


Who Added the Kid?

by oh_heccity



Series: underoos is now online [1]
Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Irondad, Jewish Character, Light Angst, Maybe canon owo, Mentions of Sex, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Precious Peter Parker, Sick Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, barbie movies - Freeform, for like one chapter tho - Freeform, gen z humor, group chat au, lots of uwus and owos, spiderson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2019-08-05 15:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 30,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16370048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_heccity/pseuds/oh_heccity
Summary: Tony makes a group chat with the other Avengers and adds Peter in it. Chaos ensues but everyone loves Peter and has fun(?).





	1. GBPP added underoos

**Author's Note:**

> Lmao I'm sorry

**[GBPP added Captain, greasy, Roady, Natasha, CAWCAW, stronk, bird#2 to Avengers]**

**Captain:** What is this Tony?

**CAWCAW:** ew why do you capitalize

**Captian:** Because it's proper Clint.

**CawCaw:** disgusting

**Natasha:** why did you add me stark

**CAWCAW** **:** at least nat types like a proper human in 2018

**Natasha** **:** shut up 

**GBPP** **:** i added you cause we all need a gc cause what if something happens in the tower???

**GBPP:** its mainly for if clint gets lost in the vents 

**CAWCAW** **:** while you are rude youre fucking r i gh t

**greasy** : Why is my name this?

**greasy:** Tony change it

**GBPP** **:** no perish

**GBPP** **:** also im gonna add someone so everyone be on their best behavior

**[GBPP added underoos to Avengers]**

**[underoos change the chatroom name to Avengers plus one]**

**underoos:** whats up yall its ya boy

**bird#2:** who the fuck are you

**underoos:** the bitch that fucking took you down in a minute

**CAWCAW:** OH MY GODO SDKFJSKDLFJ 

**CAWCAW** **:** WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU 

**underoos:** :)

**Captain:** Aren't you the person who took my shield in Germany? 

**underoos** **:** absolutely next question

**GBPP** **:** underoos what the absolute fuck

**underoos:** mr.stark thats a fucking bad word

**GBPP** **:** stop calling me mr.stark it makes me feel like an old man

**bird#2:** well,,,

**GBPP** **:** one more word and ill squeeze your kneecaps

**CAWCAW:** im shaking??? what does that mean???

**underoos** **:** lmao mood

**greasy** **:** how old are you kid???

**underoos** **:** honestly,, that's a good question

**Natasha** **:** do you not know how old you are???

**underoos:** listen,,, when you get knocked around a lot you tend to forget a lot of things

**GBPP:** alright kiddy what happened today

**underoos** **:** ,,,nothing,,,

**GBPP:**  Underoos

**CAWCAW:** oooooooo spiderling is in trouble

**underoos** **:** its spider-man you prick

**underoos** **:** and nothing bad happened mr.stark!!! just normal bashing around from doc oc

**underoos:** so nothing i cant handle!!!

**GBPP:** ill have FRIDAY pull up your feed

**underoos** **:** blease no you would be so worried

**greasy:** what happened????

**underoos** **:** so,,, this is gonna be a guessing game so everyone hush

**CAWCAW** **:** no

**underoos** **:** b it  ch 

**underoos** **:** anyway, so someone got yeeted into the river

**Natasha** **:** im gonna go on a limb here and say it was you

**underoos** **:** lmao yea

**GBPP** **:** again???

**GBPP:** what the f u ck 

**underoos** **:** sometimes a bitch just wanna swim

**Captain:** What do you mean again?

**bird#2:** story time with the kid

**underoos** **:** uhhh a bitch yeeted me into the hudson and i nearly died but honestly whats new

**CAWCAW:** what the absolute fuck spiderman

**underoos:** i ask myself that everyday man

**underoos** **:** but i have to go to class now!!!!

**underoos** **:** it was lovely meeting you guys!!

**[underoos went offline]**

**Natasha** **:** who was that tony?

**GBPP:** i told you, it was spiderman

**Captain** **:**  How old is he?

**Captain:** He can't be older than eighteen Tony.

**[underoos is online]**

**underoos:** whats the tea???

**greasy:** i thought you had class

**underoos** **:** shhh,,, what you don't know doesn't hurt you man

**stronk** **:**  What class are you supposed to be in right now?

**underoos** **:** im still learning names so who the hecky are you??

**stronk:**  Bruce 

**underoos** **:** holy fuck

**underoos** **:** WAIT DOES THAT MEAN THAT IM IN A GROUP CHAT WITH

**stronk:** The hulk?

**underoos:** NO THE MOST RENOWNED SCIENTIST OF THE GENERATION

**underoos:** dr. banner sir i would fucking d i e for you

**stronk:** thnks kied

**GBPP:** ogod kiddo you made him cry

**underoos:** WAIT DR BANNER IM SORRY D:

**CAWCAW:** we lost one folks

**CAWCAW:** lets see how long everyone lasts with this sunshine here

**Roady:** Bold of you to assume that Tony hasn't already cried cause the kid smiled at him for getting him food

**GBPP:** shut your fuck rhodey 

**GBPP:** you cried cause he smiled at you too

**greasy:** so we're placing bets on when this kids melts us?

**greasy:** seems easy enough

**Roady:** famous last words bucky

**Roady:** once you meet this kid you'll probably burst into tears

**underoos:** im sorry???


	2. Underoos is so soft and can't sleep which sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is pretty soft in his this chapter and everyone loves him but honestly whats new

**[underoos is now online] (3:12 am)**

**underoos:** so i know its like three am but i cant sleep 

**underoos** **:** there is something else adding to the factor on why i cant sleep but thats pretty unvalid

**underoos** **:** wait every one is probably asleep

**underoos:** i should probably stop talking now

**underoos** **:** i dont wanna wake anyone up

**underoos:** good night everyone, hope yall sleep well  <3

**[underoos went offline] (3:20 am)**

**[underoos is not online] (5:56 am)**

**underoos:** good morning everyone lets get this bread

**[Natasha is now online] (6:00 am)**

**Natasha:** good morning spider-man

**Natasha:** why are you awake this early?

**underoos:** it takes a hour to get to my school 

**underoos:** but lmao i didnt go to bed 

**[GBPP is now online] (6:05 am)**

**GBPP:** and why didn't you go to bed?

**underoos** **:** invalid

**underoos** **:** but i gotta get going, i dont want to be late again

**[underoos is now offline] (6:10 am)**

**Natasha:** god this kid really didnt sleep

**GBPP:** thats not unusual but i've been trying to help him. 

**[Captain, greasy, and CAWCAW is now online] (6:20 am)**

**CAWCAW:** awww,,,, we missed spiderman

**Captain:** Let Spider-Man go to classes Clint.

**CAWCAW:** oh youre still texting like a grandpa

**greasy:** Steve is like 95 years old

**Captain:** You're older than me Buck

**[underoos is now online] (6:23 am)**

**underoos** **:** i already started to cry and im barely at school

**GBPP:** ???? go to school???

**underoos:** no i got distracted

**CAWCAW:** by what???

**underoos** **:** well i saw a dog and i named him sandwich

**GBPP:** spiderling,,, you cant

**underoos:** mr stark please!!! hell be a good boy, hell sit in my backpack all day and be quiet!!!

**underoos:** ill feed him some of my food

**underoos:** mr stark please, im already attached to him!!!

**CAWCAW** **:** tony you gotta let him have the dog, i can feel the puppy dog eyes from here

**Captain:** Tony you know that we're not allowed to have animals in the compound.

**GBPP:** now who came up with that rule

**underoos** **:** he wont stay at the compound!! sandwich will stay at the tower mr stark p l ease 

**GBPP:** sorry kiddo, i dont want the dog to get hurt at the tower

**underoos:** :(((

**underoos:** i now know why god abandoned this time line

**Natasha:** i could take care of your dog

**Natasha:** only for the low price of knowing who you are

**underoos:** alrighty

**GBPP:** KID

**underoos:** this is better than being held at gun point so let me live mr stark

**underoos:** uhh i wont tell you my real name cause w a ck i dont wanna die just yet after getting a son but you can call me pete!

**underoos:** i mean like my real name is peter but yall can call me pete or what ever works for you im not that picky about what you call me 

**underoos:** ive been called a lot of names so i doubt you could hurt my feelings

**underoos:** actually, call me yeeter

**GBPP:** kid you sent me a four minute voice message of you crying cause i wouldnt let you keep your dog in the tower

**underoos:** yea cause you disapointed the two of us 

**CAWCAW:** that wasnt directed towards me andi feel so close to tears??

**greasy:** I would die for you Peter.

**underoos:** not if i die first

**Captain:** I am not calling you 'yeeter' Pete.

**underoos:** damn,,

**GBPP:** youre in a lot of shit for tell this lug nuts your name 

**underoos:** mr stark i trust them and i dont give out trust that easy

**GBPP:** you told this one girl that you trust her with your life cause she gave you a lollipop

**underoos:** yea not everyone would do that to me

**underoos:** anyway i gotta get to class!! fucking kill me :)))

**greasy:** Good luck Pete

**underoos:** its ap bio so that s a big ol no

**[underoos is now offline] (7:01 am)**

**Captain:** Tony how old is Peter?

**GBPP:** i see no reason why i should tell you, hell probably tell you sometime cause the kid can't keep his mouth shut

**CAWCAW:** ngl but i would die for him

**CAWCAW:** nat your so lucky cause you get to meet Petey like personally and i wanna meet him too

**CAWCAW:** can i meet him too with you??

**Natasha:** no??? 

**CAWCAW:** i have no reason to live now


	3. Underoos can't sleep again but two people are with him this time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Natasha, Clint and Peter bond at 2 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao me projecting my problems onto my favorite character? hell yea  
> (I'll also probably make another story of Nat, Clint and Peter meeting without any texting)

**[underoos, Natasha and CAWCAW are now online] (2:34 am)**

**underoos:** how can you tell if someone is touch starved?

**underoos:** like im asking for a friend for their project

**Natasha** **:** insomnia usually

**underoos:** interesting

**CAWCAW:** why do you ask kiddo?

**CAWCAW:** and why does this have to be at 2 am??

**underoos:** youre up too and i dont really trust the internet at this point

**underoos:** anyway

**underoos:** so like, don't tell mr. stark but i haven't really slept in a while??? and the last time ive been hugged was like when i was 13 or maybe 12??? 

**underoos:** and idk if im touch starved or not

**CAWCAW:** wait you actually dont know the last time you've been hugged???

**CAWCAW:** everyone needs a hug from time to time 

**CAWCAW:** like 

**CAWCAW:** thats not healthy peter

**Natasha:** clint is right peter, even i ask for hugs from time to time

**underoos:** i now that having physical contact is good an all but i dont really want to push that onto someone

**underoos:** its been really stressful ever since i was 13 and i dont really want to force this onto her when i remind her so much of him!!!

**CAWCAW:** ????

**underoos:** plus i dont really associate touch as a good thing??? like cause of every bad guy ive fought and when i was like 6-10 i didnt really let anyone touch me cause of my parents you know like dying

**underoos:** sorry for rambling/ranting i just cant sleep which really sucks 

**Natasha** **:** dont apologize peter, youre allowed to tell us how youre feeling 

**underoos:** i know but i gotta be strong for everyone in new york and her so i just cant really let down my walls

**underoos:** mr stark doesnt even know how im feeling tbh but hes probably logging everytime i put on my suit 

**Natasha:**  peter? youve been typing for a really long time

**underoos:** sorry, i just dont know how to word this exactly 

**underoos:** i know its a lot to ask of you and you dont have to agree to this!! so just say no if you dont want to, i wont be offended by it!

**underoos:** but i want a hug

**underoos:** please,

**CAWCAW:** turn on your location pete

**CAWCAW:** ill be there in a few minutes

**underoos:** uhh,, im in a small park with sandwich. im wearing a sweater and a jacket over my suit and i have a blanket

**Natasha:** how long have you been out in the park peter?

**underoos:** like a few hours, sandwich wanted to go out on a walk and it wasnt like i was gonna say no

**underoos:** i wasnt asleep and his puppy dog eyes were too big

**CAWCAW:** now you know the effect you have on tony

**underoos:** ???? 

**Natasha:** well be there in ten minutes

**underoos** **:** the park is half a hour away from the tower???

**CAWCAW:** you really think that we're gonna obey traffic laws when no one is out on the road and we have to hug you for four years+???

**underoos:** ????yes???

**CAWCAW:** lmao youre wrong

**Natasha:** see you soon pete

**underoos:** alright

**underoos:** i have a thermos of hot chocolate btw if you want some

**CAWCAW:** i would absolutely die for you

**underoos:** i dont want more sins on my back if you die for me

**[Natasha and CAWCAW are now offline] (3:01 am)**

**underoos:** thank you

**[underoos is now offline] (3:02 am)**

**[Captain is now online] (6:45 am)**

**Captain:** I wake up and get ready for my run and I find Clint, Natasha, Peter and I assume the dog Peter was telling us about all sharing a blanket on the sofa. Does anyone care to explain?

**[greasy, bird#2, and GBPP are now online] (6:56 am)**

**GBPP:** why the fuck are you up so early 

**Captain:** I told you I was going to go on a run Tony.

**GBPP:** sounds like bs 

**bird#2:** ngl but that looks like a sweet ass cuddle puddle

**bird#2:** might jump in myself 

**greasy:** What Im more Concerned about is How the kid got Natasha to Sleep with him none the less Cuddle with him and Clint 

**GBPP:** why do you talk like that

**greasy:** like What?

**GBPP:** i hope you die

**bird#2:** while you children are arguing about how bucky types ill be joining this bombass cuddle puddle

**GBPP:** if you wake peter up i will fucking boil your femur

**Captain:** That threat wasn't even directed towards me but I'm now afraid to actually wake up Peter. 

**[Natasha is now online] (7:10 am)**

**Natasha:** good morning everyone i would die for peter

**bird#2:** now its just steve, bucky, clint and me left 

**Natasha:** bold of you to assume that clint didnt tell peter that he would die for the kid

**bird#2:** damn, we lost another one boys

**[underoos and CAWCAW are now online] (7:19 am)**

**underoos:** good morning everyone

**CAWCAW:** where the fuck is the coffee

**GBPP:** im gonna start it right now you vent rat

**underoos:** mr stark that isnt nice!!!

**Captain:** Peter is right Tony. 

**Captain:** You have to be nice to Clint, we're a family and a team.

**CAWCAW:** i cant believe that youre taking peteys side

**GBPP:** you knew that it was gonna happen eventually

**GBPP:** the kid has never done something wrong in his life

**underoos:** ???? yea i have???

**greasy:** Like what Peter

**underoos:** uh,,

**Natasha:** exactly peter, youre the most innocent one here

**underoos:** i wouldnt call me the 'most innocent one here'

**underoos:** cause ive seen a lot of death and not so nice things

**bird#2:** like what??

**underoos:** sorry dude you gotta be a level 10 to know about that

**CAWCAW:** what is my level at?

**underoos:** you and ms. natasha are at a level 3

**underoos:** mr stark youre at a level 5

**underoos:** mr barnes, mr rogers and mr wilson you three are at level 1 

**bird#2:** :((((

**underoos:** sorry!!! i just dont trust you guys so much!

**GBPP:** why do you trust vent rat and natasha so much?

**underoos:** well,,, when its 2 am things come out and things happen

**CAWCAW:** i gotta hug him

**CAWCAW:** it was pretty fucking great man, like wow will hug him again

**greasy:**  Clint your Cuddling Him right Now

**CAWCAW:** you right

 


	4. underoos changed a few names around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter thinks that a few of their names are a little too cold so he decides to change it around

**[underoos, Natasha, CAWCAW, greasy, Captain, bird#2, and GBPP are now online] (5:57 pm)**

**underoos:** hello everyone!!! lets get this bread

**Captain** **:** What does that mean Peter?

**underoos:** lmao i keep forgetting that youre old but lets get this bread means like just going out into the world every morning and making the most of the day!!!

**greasy:** Peter that Is the Most uplifting Thing someone has Ever told Me

**underoos:** thank you mr barnes!!! UwU  <3

**bird#2:** the day is almost over kid why are you telling us to make the most our day now?? 

**underoos:** i forgot to say this morning cause i was in a rush and this day hasnt been a good ol day

**GBPP:** is everything okay kiddy???

**underoos:** i guess??? my classes are just really stressful and im lowkey afraid of burning out when im so young

**underoos:** im not really failing any classes yet, like i still have straight 'a's but just burning out scares me 

**underoos:** but its just a stupid fear!!! 

**Captain:** If you ever need help Peter don't be afraid to ask us.

**GBPP:** good luck, peter never asks for help unless karen goes behind his back and tells be what happens

**underoos:** just cause a spider/human gets hurt once cause a mugger just happened to have a knife doesnt mean that you can become a helicopter parent 

**underoos:** cause frankly its just rude  >:(

**GPBB:** youve been stabbed multiple times kiddo

**underoos:** yea but that doesnt mean you can be a helicopter parent

**underoos:** you gotta go through the interview for that job and you havent done that yet mr stark

**CAWCAW:** hol up

**CAWCAW:** youve been stabbed before???

**CAWCAW:** what the fuck youre like eight

**underoos:** im 16 but go off if

**underoos:** fuck you guys werent supposed to know my age,,,

**Captain:** You're sixteen?

**Captain:** I dropped a loading dock on you in Germany! When you were only fourteen!

**underoos:** mr.rogers i was fine!!!! even when mr.ant-man bitch slapped me i only got bruised!!!

**Captain:** Tony what the hell were you thinking with bringing a child to Germany to fight adults that have super powers!

**GBPP:** now id admit that bring peter to germany was a bad idea

**GBPP:** also language steve

**Natasha:** pete you sure that youre okay

**underoos:** yea!!! i mean like a year later my ptsd amplified but thats another story

**greasy:** Can we Know this story?

**underoos:** not now, maybe if yall like know me personally

**underoos:** can we not focus on me now??/ cause i dont want you guys to fight over me

**greasy:** the only time that were gonna fight over you is for your love

**CAWCAW:** for once this lug nut is right

**greasy:** shut up vent rat

**underoos:** i dont want you to fight over my love at all!!!

**underoos:** i love you all equally!!!

**GBPP:** fjcuk

**GBPP:** you cant just say that kid

**underoos:** sorry mr stark :<

**Natasha:** all in favor of taking multiple bullets for peter say aye

**CAWCAW:** aye

**GBPP:** aye

**greasy:** aye

**GBPP:** steve and sam are fake ass bitches

**underoos:** no they arent mr. stark!!

**underoos:** no one should take bullets for me cause then you might die and i dont want that on my conscious!!! 

**CAWCAW:** hmm,,, that is unvalid, im already moving my schedule around so that i can protect me

**underoos:** fuck, yall youre gonna make me cry all over my ap calc homework

**bird#2:** why are you texting us when you have homework to do???

**underoos:** cause its boring and you guys are much more exciting in my opinion

**Captain:** Peter you should do your homework.

**underoos:** blease dont do a speach,,, i hear enough from your psas,,,,

**CAWCAW:** hol up

**CAWCAW:** psas????

**greasy:** Peter what Are You talking about?

**underoos:** y,,,you don't know???/

**Captain:** Peter please don't tell them. 

**underoos:** hmmm,,, ill think about it but like mr.rogers said i have homework to do,,,

**Natasha:** peter please tell us

**underoos:** :))

**[underoos is now offline] (6:34 pm)**

**bird#2:** so steve wanna tell us what peter was talking about???

**[** **Captain is now offline] (6:35 pm)**

**CAWCAW:** what a little bitch

**[CAWCAW, Natasha, bird#2 and GBPP are now offline] (6:39 pm)**

**[underoos is now online] (9:13 pm)**

**underoos:** i must know the answer,,,

**[CAWCAW and Natasha are now online] (9:15 pm)**

**CAWCAW:** whats up kid?

**underoos:** so like everyone has a nick name here, even mr. rogers, sure it isnt a good nickname but he has one and ms. natasha doesn't!!! and i kinda wanna know why she doesnt have one

**CAWCAW:** cause shes boring af

**Natasha:** you might want to watch what you say before i slit your throat

**Natasha:** not to mention that you need to mind your own business cause no one cares 

**underoos:** oh :(((

**Natasha:** not you tho peter youre lovely to have aroung

**underoos:** oh!!! :)))  <3

**CAWCAW:** im just gonna ignore the subtle roast towards me 

**Natasha:** its for the best clint 

**underoos:** ms. nat can i change your name???

**Natasha:** make it good tho

**Natasha:** also just call me nat, no ms bs

**underoos:** alrighty!!!!!

**[underoos changed Natasha's name to spidermomma] (9:20 pm)**

**underoos:** there!!!

**spidermomma:** oh myb god

**spidermomma:** i love it so much peter thank you

**underoos:** im glad that you like it!!!!

**underoos:** i did it cause well your the black widow and im spiderman so we're a spider family!!!

**underoos:** also because youre like a mother figure to me!!!

**CAWCAW:** peter y ou made her cry ogod what did you do!!!

**underoos:** i only told her how i felt about her!!

**underoos:** nat please don't cry!!! DD:

**spidermomma:** too lare

**underoos:** im omw to hug you also i kinda wanna hug

**spidermomma:** my window is open

**CAWCAW:** could i have a new name peter???

**underoos:** yea!!!! 

**underoos:** just gimme a moment to think about it!! cause i gotta make it good!!!!

**CAWCAW:** i can wait!!!

**[underoos changed CAWCAW's name to birduncle] (9:31 pm)**

**birduncle:** i have now reached nirvana

**birduncle:** i know what you went through nat

**birduncle:** having a nickname given by peter is the best

**underoos:** uwu

**underoos:** i wanna change my name now!!! i wanna match with nat!!!

**[underoos change underoos's name to spiderbaby] (9:39 pm)**

**spidermomma:**  PEtER THAT IS THE CUTEST HOLY FUCK

**spiderbaby:**   UWU 

**birduncle:**  now us rag-tag team is a family 

**[birduncle, spidermomma, and spiderbaby are now offline] (9:45 pm)**

**[spiderbaby, spidermomma, GBPP and greasy are now online] (5:23 am)**

**spiderbaby:** good morning everyone that is currently online! lets get this bread!!! 

**greasy:** What happened To your Name Peter?

**spiderbaby:** i changed it so i could match nats!!!

**spidermomma:** i fucking love my new name 

**spiderbaby:** !!!!!!!!!!!!  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

**GBPP:** ogod peter you made her soft

**GBPP:** rip the old natasha

**spiderbaby:** can i give you a new name mr. stark???

**spiderbaby:** idk what GBPP means :<

**GBPP:** genius billionaire playboy philanthropist 

**GBPP:** but be my guest if you give me a gem like nats

**spiderbaby:** okay!!! im sure that youll love it!!!

**[spiderbaby changed GBPP's name to irondad] (5:28 am)**

**spiderbaby:** : >>>

**irondad:** oh my god i love it, thank you so much kid

**spiderbaby:** im glad you like it!!!

**spiderbaby:** i have to go to school now!! i'll see you guys later!!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (5:30)**

 


	5. Uh oh spagettio spiderbaby is in trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter has a rough night but Tony helps him and everyone finds out how Peter looks out which also sucks cause he kinda looks like a mess but chocolate chip pancakes always make it better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making the first part angsty??? I kinda needed it for the next two chapters but it'll become soft uwu again

**[spiderbaby and irondad are now online] (1:13 am)**

**spiderbaby:** help

**spiderbaby:** mr stark please help me 

**spiderbaby:** mr stark please i dont want to die

**irondad:** pete??? 

**irondad:** peter whats wrong????

**spiderbaby:** there was a fire near empire state building and i went there to help and the building wasnt sound so it fell

**spiderbaby:** mr stark please i dont wanna die, please help

**irondad:** im on my way okay petey??

**irondad:** i should be there in seven minutes just stay calm

**spiderbaby:** please hurry

**irondad:** im going as fast as i can youll be okay petey

**spiderbaby:**  okay,,

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (1:20 am)**

**irondad:** shit, 

**[irondad is now offline] (1:21 am)**

**[irondad is now online] (3:46 am)**

**irondad:** WAKE UP BITCHES 

**irondad:** I GOT SOME IMPORTANT ASS NEWS THAT ISNT GOOD SO YALL BETTER BE ON N O W 

**[spidermomma, birduncle, Captain, and bird#2 are now online] (3:53 am)**

**irondad:** GOOD TOOK yALL LONG ENOUGH NOW EVERYONE SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN SO I CAN EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED

**bird#2:** no one said anything Tony

**irondad:** SHUT UP THIS IS V E R Y IMPORTANT

**irondad:** ITS ABOUT PETER SO YALL SHOULD PAY ATTENTION

**birduncle** **:** what happened to peter????

**irondad:** IF YOU LET ME EXPLAIN ILL TELL YOU 

**irondad:** SO EARLIER THIS NIGHT PETER GOT HURT PRETTY FUCKING B A D 

**irondad:** BUT HE IS GONNA BE OKAY BRUCE-Y EVER THE SWEETHEART HELPED HIM BECOME STABLE

**spidermomma:** what happened???

**irondad:** so apparently there was an apartment fire so he went to go help anyone that was still inside and apparently the building fell on him??? 

**Captain:** Jesus, is Peter okay Tony? 

**irondad:** yea, only a third degree burns on his back and a bruised bone or two and a few minor burns on his face, but those should go away in a few days

**irondad:** im just glad that he had his iron spider suit

**irondad:** god i should make him a new suit just in case this happens again

**spidermomma:** but tony are y o u okay?

**irondad:** kinda shaken up to be honest, it scared me like seeing him all scared yknow????

**Captain:** Tony you should go to bed, it's late. 

**irondad:** i cant, i gotta work on petes new suit

**birduncle:** wouldnt it be better if you both worked on it together? i mean then peter can put in his two cents 

**irondad:** i guess, good night

**[irondad is now offline] (4:13 am)**

**Captain:** You three should also go to bed, I bet you all want to go see Peter now but you know he's probably asleep and when he is awake, if, he is awake in the morning I doubt he'll want to talk to three sleep deprived adults. 

**bird#2:** steve rogers, ever the adult despite all of us being adults

**Captain:** You three are being very bad adults, 

**birduncle:** fucking r o a s t ed sam!

**bird#2:** shut the fuck up

**Captain:** God to bed now you two.

**birduncle:** >:////

**[Captain, birduncle, bird#2, and spidermomma are not offline] (4:18 am)**

**[spiderbaby and irondad are now online] (9:23 am)**

**spiderbaby:** mr stark, do i have to go do school?

**irondad:** no???

**irondad:** kid you just got hurt pretty fucking bad and you think you have to go to school????

**spiderbaby:** ,,,maybe,,, i mean i dont want my grades to drop but my body is like really sore and numb at the same time???

**irondad:** ill pull some half ass excuse out of my ass explaining why youre gonna be gone for the rest of the week

**spiderbaby:** rest of the week?????

**spiderbaby:** its only tuesday??? i cant miss that much school mr stark

**irondad:** should of thought about that before a building dropped on you kiddo

**spiderbaby:** >:/

**spiderbaby:** i have no say in which speed the lobsters die

**irondad:** ??? waht???

**spiderbaby:** anway come carry me to the kitchen

**irondad:** you really think that my back can carry you???

**spiderbaby:** probably i mean, like, my bones are less dense than humans so i'll be really light to you

**irondad:** alright, dont put your mask on, gotta let those wounds breathe

**spiderbaby:** but you dont the others to know what i look like i thought???

**irondad:** tragic

**spiderbaby:** >:///

**[irondad and spiderbaby are now offline] (9:30 am)**

**[greasy and spiderbaby are now online] (10:01)**

**greasy:** OH GOD PETER I AM SO SORRY

**spiderbaby:** jsjfskfksjf mr. barnes its okay!!!!

**greasy:** NO???? I THREW A FUCKING KNIFE AT YOU

**spiderbaby:** I! AM! FINE!

**greasy:** THAT DOESNT HELP THE FACT THAT I THREW A K N I FE AT YOU

**spiderbaby:** im fine mr barnes!!!!

**greasy:** Call me Bucky kid

**spiderbaby:** thats a very valid name 

**spiderbaby:** now stop moving around so much I gotta decorate your arm with magnets and stickers

**greasy:** why???

**spiderbaby:** idk why i just wanted to but ill let your pick the stickers

**greasy:** gimme the space ones

**spiderbaby:** thats a very valid answer bucky

**spiderbaby:** do you think mr stark will see us put chocolate chips in the left over pancake batter??

**greasy:** i don't think so cause he didnt really react in me throwing a knife at you

**spiderbaby:** oh no he will, hes just is waiting until i leave

**greasy:**  Oh God

**greasy:** Anyway, I'll distract Stark while you put the chocolate chips in 

**spiderbaby:** once again very valid

**[spiderbaby changed greasy's name to chocolatechip] (10:15 am)**

**chocolatechip:** Now you're Valid 

**spiderbaby:** UWU!!!!!!!

**spiderbaby:** now go go go!!!! 

**chocolatechip:** got it!!!!

**[spiderbaby and chocolatechip are now offline] (10:18 am)**

**[irondad, Captain, spidermomma, and birduncle] (10:34 am)**

**Captain:** Who put chocolate chips in the pancake batter?

**irondad:** it wasnt me!!! i was making the pancakes

**birduncle:** where is petey boy by the way???

**spidermomma:** hes probably in the med wing you dumb fuck

**irondad:** nah hes with barnes rn

**irondad:** i think hes putting stickers on his metal arm

**birduncle:** what kind

**irondad:** idk, maybe space or science knowing peter

**birduncle:** alrighty thats valid

**Captain:** That doesn't answer my question of who put the chocolate chips.

**irondad:** my guess is peter

**[chocolatechip and spiderbaby are now online] (10:36 am)**

**spiderbaby:** look at bucky!!! isnt his arm pretty????

**Captain:** Bucky were you the one to put chocolate chips in the batter?

**chocolatechip:** I don't Know why you're Just singling Me out instead of Peter Over here.

**Captain:** I'll talk to him later about him not being in the med bay.

**spiderbaby:** I!Am!Fine!

**spiderbaby:** i didnt get hurt when bucky threw a knife at me so a burning building also didnt hurt a lot!!!!

**irondad:** peter get off the ceiling 

**irondad:** thanks for reminding me to talk to barnes while steve talks to you

**spiderbaby:** shit,,, sorry bucky

**birduncle:** HOLY FUCK PETER 

**spiderbaby:** ???? whats wrong??? do i have something on my face???

**birduncle:** as your uncle, not to mention your favorite, your fucking c u t e but you also look like your like,,, eight

**spidermomma:** hes kinda right, you look really young

**spiderbaby:** >:////

**spiderbaby:** meanie

**spiderbaby:** also, i have a name for mr rogers!!!! 

**[spiderbaby changed Captain's name to Lobster] (10:42 am)**

**Lobster:** What does this mean Peter?

**spiderbaby:** so i learned that like when a lobster is thawed it can still be alive and,,, well, when you were thawed you were alive so youre kinda like a lobster

**Lobster:** I wish I never knew this fact,

**spiderbaby:** uwu

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (10:44 am)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long :(((


	6. spiderbaby doesn't have a good night again :(((

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter doesn't have a good night after patrol goes wrong, the others notice and they try to cheer him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I made this angsty again :((( itll probably be the last one unless someone else suggests another angsty theme (y'all can do that now!!! you can suggest things you want to see in future chapters uwu)
> 
> Edit: for some reason this keeps saying that it was posted on the sixth when it really wasn't so idk why so if any of you guys know please tell me what's going on!!! <3

**[irondad is now online] (9:01 pm)**

**irondad:** has anyone seen peter today or at least heard of him 

**[birduncle, spidermomma, Lobster and chocolatechip are now online] (9:05 pm)**

**Lobster:** Why do you ask Tony?

 **birduncle:** cause hes a helicopter parent you dumb fuck

 **spidermomma:** clint you messaged me right at 7 am cause peter hadnt come on to wish us all a good morning

 **birduncle:** i cant fucking believe ive been called out like this

 **irondad:** so no one has heard of him at all today???

 **chocolatechip:**  He had messaged Us Last night when He was Going to bed But that was it.

 **chocolatechip:**  He didn't seem Like his Normal self Though.

 **irondad:** alright, thanks dick wad im gonna look through his feed from tonights patrol

 **irondad:** i still hate how you type 

**[irondad is now offline] (9:11 pm)**

**spidermomma:** do you think peter is okay???

 **spidermomma:** i know that he can take care of himself but he's also very stubborn so that means he wont ask for help when he needs it

 **birduncle:** that, thats pretty valid nat

 **birduncle:** what if hes hurt tho??? like would he tell anyone about that?????

 **chocolatechip:** He told Stark about a Few nights Ago

 **spidermomma:** stark told me he only did that cause that was like life or death???

 **Lobster:** Guys, Peter probably had just fallen asleep instead of going on patrol tonight

 **spidermomma:** i know that you dont know peter that well but peter has n e v e r missed patrol

 **birduncle:** nat you and i should go see if hes okay

 **chocolatechip:** You should Probably wait Until Tony finds Out what's going On, the Kid just Might Be sick for All we Know.

 **birduncle:** but i dont wanna i gotta take care of my favorite person in the whole world

 **spidermomma:** usually i would be mad but i really cant,,, peter is my fav too

**[irondad is now online] (9:30 pm)**

**irondad:** peter hasn't been out patrolling at all tonight but i think i know why

 **irondad:** so with that being said imma go hug that kid for 19 years

 **birduncle:** could i come with???

 **irondad:** no i dont think pete wants a lot of people to surround him right now

 **Lobster:** I can understand Peter not wanting a lot of people around him but because we're a team could you tell us what's wrong so we can help in someway? 

 **irondad:** ghgngngn i guess but you cant really like mention this to him until i know hes in a mentally good place cause petes really heart broken about what happened

 **irondad:** so yesterday while peter was out on patrol i think there was someone on the top of the bridge and fuck,,, he spent so long trying to talk her away from the edge but she jumped anyway

 **irondad:** god peter barely left his room all day, the kid is like, broken

 **chocolatechip:** Is there Anything we can Do to help the Kid?

 **irondad:** right now i dont think there is

 **irondad:** later for sure, the kid wont want you to treat him like glass so treat him like you normally will but watch out for his eyes

 **irondad:** they're really expressive you know some shit

 **spidermomma:** alright, keep us updated 

 **irondad:** ill try

**[irondad is now offline] (9:59 pm)**

**birduncle:** imma write him a god damn paragraph about how much i love him

 **Lobster:** You heard what Tony said Clint, he didn't want us to be treating Peter like glass and overwhelming him.

 **birduncle:** bold of you to assume that i havent already started it when i first met him

 **spidermomma:** clint isnt lying, hes really gonna do this

 **birduncle:** and you arent??

 **spidermomma:** no i am

 **spidermomma:** are you buck??

 **chocolatechip:** Maybe? I don't Know the kid That well

 **birduncle:** but you would die for him right???

 **chocolatechip:** Absolutely, that's Not debatable

 **Lobster:** Not you too Bucky.

 **birduncle:** !!!! we have another one boys

 **spidermomma:** are you writing pete one???

 **Lobster:** I don't know? I don't know Peter all that well

 **chocolatechip:** The kid will Grow on You Steve so Just you wait.

 **birduncle:** nat and i should start on our paragraphs,,, see ya nerds

**[birduncle and spidermomma are now offline] (10:12 pm)**

**chocolatechip:** Do you want To go Get a Milk shake?

 **Lobster:** Only where Susie's old place was.

 **chocolatechip:** You read My mind

**[Lobster and chocolatechip are now offline] (10:14 pm)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (5:45 am)**

**spiderbaby:** good morning everyone!!  <333 sorry i wasnt on last night :((( i just wasnt feeling good which sucks but im feeling okay!!! ill for sure be on later tonight but not now cause i have school which sucks

 **spiderbaby:** do you think that clint could bail me out??? cause i dont wanna go to ap calc,,,

 **spiderbaby:** well bye bye yall!!! ill talk to you guys when i get a chance which probably wont happen :((( school can suck my wiggles

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (5:50 am)**

**[birduncle and spidermomma are now online] (6:23 am)**

**birduncle:** quick!!!! hes gone now so operation make petey feel better is a go!!!

 **spidermomma:** couldnt you just use a shorter name??

 **birduncle:** no

 **birduncle:** pete!!!! my favorite child, my son but my nephew cause your nats child and maybe tonys but i havent really figured out this fucked up family tree. ive only known you for a few weeks and only known your face for about two which btw youre really fucking cute, anyway, i know that being a super hero is really stressful and its okay for you to come to us for help. weve all been fighting bad guys for years youre allowed to come to us for help. i know that you dont want to be patronized but petey boi, youre 16 and you shouldnt really be seeing this kind of bs but because i am your favorite uncle i wont tell you what you cant and can do but i just want you to know that we all care about you and we want you to see you happy!!!

 **birduncle:** my fingers are tired but it was so worth it i will do it again but now its your turn nat!!!!

 **spidermomma:** my son, my favorite human being in the whole world clint is absolutely right, youre allowed to come to us for help and youve have multiple times which im really happy cause that means you trust us a lot but you trust clint and i the most cause you talk to us the most. a n y w a y i love you lots so you gotta take care of yourself cause you said before that youre afraid of burning out and if you keep forcing yourself to keep doing this youre gonna burn out, now i dont like bringing out peoples fears only yours tbh but if you keep doing this its gonna happen so take care of yourself!!!

 **birduncle:** we did it!!! now we just wait for yeeter to read them and then we can probably go hug him

 **spidermomma:** sounds like a plan

**[spidermomma and birduncle are now offline] (6:46 am)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (5:03 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM IN T E ARS I WOULD FUCKING D IE FOR YOU TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 **spiderbaby:** <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333


	7. hap weenie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter celebrates halloween kinda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy halloween despite it almost being december uwu

**[spiderbaby is now online] (12:00 am)**

**[spiderbaby changed the chat name to 'happy weenie']**

**spiderbaby:** there, now its perfect for halloween

 **spiderbaby:** which by the way!!! happy halloween everyone

 **spiderbaby:** lets get this spooky bread!!!

 **spiderbaby:** also to anyone who is a responsible adult you better remind me to change the gc name to something festive once halloween is done

 **spiderbaby:** because i will forget and well forever have a spooky name for this hell

 **spiderbaby:** also, do you think if i go to a walmart at midnight with my suit on ill get a discount cause i want to get full sized candy bars for the kids i see while im on patrol and theyre trick or treating

 **spiderbaby:** what do yall think kids like no a days??

 **spiderbaby:** i say as i am still technically a kid by society terms which suck  >:////

 **spiderbaby:** i might just them hersheys cause idk if any of them will have allergies 

 **spiderbaby:** sorry i might be bothering you guys about my ideas and im really sorry!!

 **spiderbaby:** im just really excited!!!

 **spiderbaby:** i should probably go shopping now!!! 

 **spiderbaby:** lmao should i like record it cause im pretty fucking wild when i do 

 **spiderbaby:** but i shouldnt,,, i dont wanna be a dick to everyone who is working at this time 

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (12:37 am)**

**[irondad and spiderbaby are now online] (5:24 am)**

**irondad:** kid why the fuck were you up so late 

 **irondad:** jfc,,, 

 **spiderbaby:** sorry!!! i just got really excited about halloween!!! 

 **spiderbaby:** which by the way!!! happy halloween mr stark!!!

 **irondad:** happy halloween kiddo

 **irondad:** are you actually handing out candy to kids you see while they trick or treat???

 **spiderbaby:** absolutely!!! i want the kids to have a good night and what else could i do except hand out candy as spiderman!!!

 **irondad:** your so fucking soft kid

 **spiderbaby:** uwu youre right

 **spiderbaby:** anyway i gotta go to school 

 **spiderbaby:** dont stay in your lab all day 

 **irondad:** what are you going to do about it if i do 

 **spiderbaby:** i wont swing by and give you any candy i have left over

 **irondad:** wait no-

 **spiderbaby:** ill check back at lunch time :)))

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (5:43 am)**

**irondad:** i cant believe i was just b l a c k ma i l ed by a c hi ld

**[irondad is now offline] (4:54 am)**

**[birduncle is now online] (12:00 pm)**

**birduncle:** oh fuck me up with some chocolate bars 

 **birduncle:** yeeter please give me a chocolate bar when you come over

 **birduncle:** itll be on the down low so no one will know

**[spiderbaby is now online] (12:15 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** like a drug deal!!!

 **birduncle:** yea!!!! thats exactly what i was think of!!!

 **spiderbaby:** great minds think a like clint uwu

 **birduncle:** !! so what do you want in return yeeter

 **spiderbaby:** im actually in tears, one you called me yeeter and thats amazing and two i didnt really want anything in return 

 **spiderbaby:** cause like i didnt think of anything

 **spiderbaby:** but a fucking hug will be pretty lit my main mans

 **birduncle:** your wish is now my fucking c o m m a n d

 **spiderbaby:** !!!! 

 **spiderbaby:** oh hell yea!!!

 **spiderbaby:** where should we meet??

 **birduncle:** vents

 **birduncle:** its secretive

 **spiderbaby:** valid!!!

 **spiderbaby:** now i gotta go back to class!!! ily!!!

 **birduncle:** ily2 kiddo

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (12:35 pm)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (1:13 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** mr stark!!!!

**[irondad is now online] (1:15 pm)**

**irondad:** what do you want kiddo

 **spiderbaby:** its time for you to get out of your lab and take your break

 **irondad:** i dont want to, im working on future upgrades for your suit

 **spiderbaby:** tragic i guess that you really dont want that left over chocolate from me :///

 **irondad:** wait no,

 **irondad:** ill take a break now

 **spiderbaby:** !!! thank you mr stark!!!

 **spiderbaby:** i gotta go now!!! stay out of the lab until 1:30!!

 **irondad:** youre mean and more forceful than pepper and thats saying a lot

 **spiderbaby:** but im cute uwu

 **irondad:** hnnn youre right

 **spiderbaby:** !!!! i gotta go now mr. stark!!! bye bye, see you tonight

**[spiderbaby and irondad are now offline] (1:20 pm)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (9:43 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** mr stark!!! where are you!!!

 **spiderbaby:** i have a few candy bars left over and i promised that i could give you some!!!

**[irondad is now online] (9:50 pm)**

**irondad:** oh hell yea!!! im in my lab 

 **spiderbaby:** did you stay out like i told you

 **irondad:** i was tempted by chocolate so of course I did 

 **spiderbaby:** sus,,, ill ask friday before i leave but your chocolate is sitting on that pile of papers on that table to your left

 **irondad:** thanks kiddo

 **spiderbaby:** so what are you working on mr stark???

 **irondad:** making your suit fire proof

 **irondad:** but that means you just cant jump into fire cause your suit is now fire proof

 **spiderbaby:** :(((((((

 **spiderbaby:** now there goes my weekend plans

 **spiderbaby:** anyway i gotta go find clint!!!! he has something to tell me!!

 **irondad:** alright kiddo, see you later

**[irondad is now offline] (10:00 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** clint where you at

**[birduncle is now online] (10:01 pm)**

**birduncle:** here i be and im in the vents near the commons

 **spiderbaby:** omw 

 **spiderbaby:** i have a few candy bars left but you can only have one

 **birduncle:** its better than none

 **birduncle:** also my arms are ready for a hug

 **spiderbaby:** i!!! am!!! ready!!! for!!! a!!! hug!!!

 **spiderbaby:** also happy halloween clint!!!!

 **birduncle:** happy birthday squirt 

 **spiderbaby:** its not my birthday but go off i guess but thank you!!!

 **spiderbaby:** <33333

**[spiderbaby and birduncle are now offline] (10:09 pm)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its so short, i just wanted to write something cute uwu my other chapter had the wrong date for some reason so im praying that this wont be stuffed up


	8. chrimis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mery chrimis thotis

**[spiderbaby is now online] (12:01 am)**

**[spiderbaby changed the chatroom name to chrimis!!!!]**

**spiderbaby:** merry chrimis everyone uwu

**[irondad is now online] (12:10 pm)**

**irondad:** why the fuck are you aawake

 **irondad:** and why the fuck are you saying its christmas, halloween was 10 minutes ago

 **spiderbaby:** mr stark!!! thats not the christmas cheer  >:(((((

 **spiderbaby:** you gotta be cheery this time of year!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** cant you hear the sleigh bells??

 **irondad:** go to bed

 **spiderbaby:** okay scrooge 

**[spiderbaby and irondad is now offline] (12:13 am)**

**[birduncle is now online] (4:34 am)**

**birduncle:** christmas!!!!!

**[spiderbaby is now online] (4:40 am)**

**spiderbaby:** christmas time!!!!! 

 **spiderbaby:** finally someone who loves the christmas the same as me!!!!

 **birduncle:** christmas is the best time of the year except for halloween

 **spiderbaby:** fucking valid!!!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** i should probably mention that i cant have peppermint

 **spiderbaby:** which sucks cause i love it so much

 **spiderbaby:** but my spider me doesnt :((((

 **birduncle:** that sucks :(((

 **birduncle:** ill spread the word

 **spiderbaby:** we fucking s t an 

**[spidermomma is now online] (4:56 am)**

**spidermomma:** why are you up so early you two?

 **spiderbaby:** chrimis

 **birduncle:** christmas!!!!!!!!

 **spidermomma:** youre both actual children holy hell

 **birduncle:** its christmas so of course we're gonna be excited!!!

 **birduncle:** aren't you excited???

 **spiderbaby:** i fucking am holy hell!!!

 **spidermomma:** im excited just not on your level of excitement,,,

 **spiderbaby:** imma make a scarf or something for yall

 **spiderbaby:** maybe even a fucking blanket if im feeling saucy 

 **birduncle:** never use the word saucy in the face of the lord

 **spiderbaby:** fucking make me old man

 **birduncle:** >:O

 **spidermomma:** dont be rude pete

 **spidermomma:** and clint dont be a dink

 **spiderbaby:** do you guys wanna go walk around the city and look at christmas lights when people start to put them up???

 **birduncle:** absolutely but why???

 **spiderbaby:** i usually did it with my aunt and uncle when i was younger but seeing how my aunt is working more hours and my uncle is yaknow,,,, hgn i just miss the tradition!!!

 **spidermomma:** count me in

 **spidermomma:** is anyone else coming???

 **spiderbaby:** i might ask mr. stark but idk if hell be busy 

 **birduncle:** hell make time for you

 **spiderbaby:** OWO

 **spiderbaby:** i gotta start your gifts and go to school which sucksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (5:13 am)**

**birduncle:** what are we getting him for christmas?

 **spidermomma:** no clue, we;ll figure it out later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its short :(((


	9. new people!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> new people! new people!!

**[stronk is now online] (10:06 am)**

**stronk:** im sorry im almost never on but im going to be adding a few more people if thats okay with you!!

**[spiderbaby and irondad is now online] (10:10 am)**

**irondad:** go ahead brucie

**spiderbaby:** new people????

**spiderbaby:** new people!!!!!

**irondad:** who is it tho??

**stronk** **:** youll see

**[stronk added godofthunder] (10:23 am)**

**godofthunder:** BRUCE WHAT IS THIS?

**spiderbaby:** afkjafkakf sis that fucking thor 

**godofthunder:** YES IT IS AND YOU ARE YOU BABY OF SPIDERS?

**spiderbaby:** akfjafkakf im spiderman???

**spiderbaby:** but you can call me peter???

**godofthunder:** ALRIGHT MAN OF SPIDERS

**irondad:** holy shit,,,, bruice you actually f o u n d thor??

**stronk:** apparently?? 

**godofthunder:** BANNER MY LETTERS SEEM TO BE LARGE WHILE YOURS ARE SMALL

**spiderbaby:** just press the little arrow on the side of the keyboard itll make the letters smaller uwu

**godofthunder:** AH THANK YOU MAN OF SPIDERS

**godofthunder:** is this better?

**spiderbaby:** yep!!! you got it!!

**godofthunder:** may i add my brother stark?

**irondad:** loki??? hell no, we dont need a murderer in this chat

**spiderbaby:** technically were all murderers if you think about it

**spiderbaby:** but i wanna meet mr. loki!!! so add him!!

**stronk:** i rather not think about how were all murderers in one way

**spiderbaby:** uwu

**[godofthunder added trickster to chrimis!!!!] (10:45 am)**

**trickster:** thor what is this

**godofthunder:** a room of where we can message our friends!!!

**trickster:** none of these foolish mortals are my friends

**spiderbaby:** :(((

**irondad:** glad to that the feeling is mutual 

**spiderbaby:** : ( ( ( 

**spiderbaby:** mr stark and mr loki this chat is supposed to be wholesome!!!

**spiderbaby:** its chrimis time hence the chat room name!!!

**trickster:** who are you

**spiderbaby:** oh!!! im spiderman also know as peter in this gc!!!

**spiderbaby:** i mean idc what you call me but,,, uwu

**godofthunder:** man of spiders what does uwu mean and chrimis mean??

**spiderbaby:** ahfakfakfh a uhh,,,

**spiderbaby:** uwu means like,,, a way to show that your content ig???

**spiderbaby:** and chrimis is just a silly way of christmas!!!

**irondad:** holy shit i cant believe that you already have thor wrapped around his finger

**spiderbaby:** uwu

**[trickster is now offline] (11:00 am)**

**godofthunder:** brother no! :( 

**[godofthunder is now offline] (11:04 am)**

**spiderbaby:** i have a question for dr banner if hes still on!!

**spiderbaby:** wait no i should say it its really fucking weird and i dont want dr banner to know about my mind yet uwu

**irondad:** share with the class petey

**stronk:** im here so go ahead

**spiderbaby:** jgnnnn i dont wanna, its lowkey rude,,,, and i dont wanna be rude,,,

**irondad:** share!!!

**stronk:** if its about me i doubt that itll really hurt my feelings 

**stronk:** so go ahead

**spiderbaby:** aight,,

**spiderbaby:** so,,,

**spiderbaby:** does like,,, the hulks dick grow when you become hulk or does it stay the same size like,,, normal you

**irondad:** kid what the absolute fuck

**stronk:** i dont think i ever wanted to see hulks dick

**spiderbaby:** so like,,, does it grow to be thicc

**stronk:** i dojnt know???

**stronk:** i rather not look???

**spiderbaby:** i bet thor has seen it

**stronk:** akjfkjafkjaklf 

**irondad:** i wouldnt be surprised if he has seen in

**irondad:** i always suspected that there was some sort of sexual tension between you two

**spiderbaby:** like you with mrs. potts???

**irondad:** ajfkalkfjalksf a P E T E R 

**stronk:** oh my god

**irondad:** why would there be sexual tension between me and my fucking f i a n c e e 

**spiderbaby:** you know,,, sometimes people dont want to ask other people if said other person could suck their dick

**stronk:** peter what the fuck

**irondad:** listen,,, 

**spiderbaby:** you cant say anything cause you know im right

**irondad:** perish

**spiderbaby:** listen,,, its obvious that mr. thor and dr. banner wanna bone but are like,,, to afraid to ask 

**spiderbaby:** and its pretty obvious that dr. banner is either a big ol bottom or a fucking power bottom

**stronk:** c,,,can we not talk about my sex life with thor

**irondad:** hush now bruicie bear,,, the kid is onto something

**spiderbaby:** of course I am

**spiderbaby:** i talked to mr. loki about this and he says that its obvious so,,,

**irondad:** how the fuck is he already your friend??

**irondad:** youve known him for like,,, 10 minutes maybe more,,,,

**spiderbaby:** we painted eachother nails and we spilled some teas 

**stronk:** what the fuck

**stronk:** what did you talk about

**spiderbaby:** sus,,,, i cant spill the already spilled tea, i was in a pack or atleast now i am

**spiderbaby:** its pretty cool tbh

**irondad:** also kid you bruce and i are going to wakanda for a few days so you better pack, we're leaving tonight 

**spiderbaby:** akfakfjakf does may know??

**irondad:** yea

**spiderbaby:** aight imma pack now!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (11:57 am)**

**stronk:** were going to wakanda??

**irondad:** yea, t'challa invited us but didnt explain why so i just accepted it

**stronk:** okay????

**stronk:** i guess that ill go pack now??? see you at the hanger

**irondad:** see you brucie 

**[stronk and irondad is now offline] (12:00 pm)**


	10. go(at) time bitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Peter bond over goats

**[spiderbaby is now online] (1:30 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** ive been in wakanda for about a few hours now and all ive been doing is sitting with the goats

**spiderbaby:** ive named them all accordingly except one who is wearing a bell

**spiderbaby:** i gotta put pool noddles on his head tho cause he keeps head bumping Harry who just wants to cuddle :(((

**spiderbaby:** i might name him James tbh

**spiderbaby:** ive also not seen mr stark in a while or anyone tbh

**spiderbaby:** im kinda just alone with the goats

**spiderbaby:** thats fine with me tbh

**spiderbaby:** what if goats could text,,, what do you think they would say to us

**spiderbaby:** probably something really smart tbh

**spiderbaby:** like,, their eyes hold so much wisdom in them and i wanna know what they have to say

**spiderbaby:** Mary tell me your secrets please, youre the wisest one there and i need to know

**spiderbaby:** Alex could most likely have the cure for cancer

**spiderbaby:** but we could never know cause we dont know how to communicate with goats

**spiderbaby:** i know what my science project is gonna be now

**spiderbaby:** ogod i must be clogging up the chat while yall are asleep

**spiderbaby:** imma take a nap with my new children

**spiderbaby:** i miss sandwhich :(((

**spiderbaby:** im naming a goat sub and none of yall can stop me uwu

**spiderbaby:** N O W im gonna go!! 

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (2:00 pm)**

**[spiderbaby and chocolatechip are now online] (5:34 pm)**

**spiderbaby:**  bucky!!!! why are you awake???

**chocolatechip:** Just couldn't Sleep, did You Have a good Nap?

**spiderbaby:** yea!!! 

**spiderbaby:** James even started to cuddle with me!!!

**spiderbaby:** and that was pretty fucking great my dude

**spiderbaby:** but Sue will always be my cuddle buddy uwu

**spiderbaby:** do you think its possible to sneak a goat back to new york

**chocolatechip:** Possibly but You don't Want to Tear One of them Away from Their family, Right?

**spiderbaby:** hgnnnnn youre right

**spiderbaby:** im staying here cause i love my goat children

**chocolatechip:** Tony wouldn't Like That if You stayed

**spiderbaby:** he can suck it i have found my people

**spiderbaby:** and i refuse to leave them

**chocolatechip:** But I'll miss You

**spiderbaby:** no,,, youc ant do that to mememememeeeeeee

**spiderbaby:** i guess that i have to return to new york cause youre a sap

**spiderbaby:** which by the way you should really only be sappy towards mr steve

**chocolatechip:** I'm sorry What?

**spiderbaby:** sometimes i can hear you doing somethings and wowie you guys arnt really quiet so,,,,,,,,,,,,

**chocolatechip:** Oh my God, Peter I am so Sorry

**spiderbaby:** its fine!!! you get used to it when you live in a really small apartment building where the walls are thin and you have sensitive/super power hearing you tend to hear a lot of things

**chocolatechip:** You must have A Lot of good Gossip

**spiderbaby:** oh of course i do

**spiderbaby:** i dont need super hearing to hear all the good tea

**spiderbaby:** apparently im really trust worthy and people trust me to not spill their tea 

**spiderbaby:** which is nice cause im caught up on everyones tea

**spiderbaby:** i even have tea on you!!!!

**chocolatechip:** I pray that Its Good

**spiderbaby:** oh of course its good!!!

**spiderbaby:** but i cant tell you now uwu cause than said person will be really mad at me and i dont want that to happen :((

**chocolatechip:** I trust You

**spiderbaby:** :DDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**spiderbaby:** you should go to bed now bucky 

**spiderbaby:** its probably really late in new york and i want you to sleep well!!!

**spiderbaby:** or well as you can!! but you should most definitely go to bed

**spiderbaby:** weve been talking for almost two hours

**chocolatechip:** The sun is Already Rising in New York so I doubt that I'll be Able To go back to Sleep.

**spiderbaby:** could you at least lay down on the sofa for a little bit until mr steve gets up to go on his run???

**chocolatechip:** Fine, you Should go Eat something Too.

**spiderbaby:** that is if the goats let me leave them

**chocolatechip:** Have fun on The Rest of your Trip kid,

**chocolatechip:** See you soon.

**spiderbaby:** bye bucky!!!!

**[chocolatechip and spiderbaby are now offline] (7:03 pm)**


	11. they are so whipped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter featuring the spider-family and the bird uncle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and i mean really short uwu the next chapter should be longer but i have a question!! would yall like if i made non text stories according to these chapters like peter finding sandwich, peter putting stickers on bucky etc. if you do just put which chapter you would like me to start with (or if you want me to go in order) and what part!!

**[spiderbaby is now online] (3:12 am)**

**spiderbaby:** i have left my room in favor of my goat children

 **spiderbaby:** so everyone is no invalid unless you have goats or something

 **spiderbaby:** i take back everything, Henry just fucking bit my fucking finger

 **spiderbaby:** hes going on timeout jfc

**[birduncle and spidermomma is now online] (3:15 am)**

**spidermomma:** what are you doing up peter???

 **spiderbaby:** goats

 **birduncle:** send pics

 **spiderbaby:** aight

 **spiderbaby:** i pm'd you them cause uwu i look like a mess 

 **birduncle:** KDFKSFK YOURE ALL BUNDLED UP PETER HOLY SHIT!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** hghghhghghgakfjkkj i may be in africa rn but im still very cold :((

 **spiderbaby:** but all these blankets/sweaters and my goats are helping uwu

 **spidermomma:** i wanna see

 **birduncle:** ill send you them here uwu

 **spiderbaby:** CLINT IF YOU DO KRAMPUS WILL COME TO SNIP YOUR WENIS

 **birduncle:** dont fucking talk like that peter, youre like 12,,, too young to know what that is

 **spidermomma:** the wenis is the fucking s k i n of your elbow 

 **spiderbaby:** THANK YOU NAT

 **spiderbaby:** SO VALID

 **birduncle:** cozy.png 

 **spiderbaby:**  clint you are not valid

 **spiderbaby:** i hate you

 **spidermomma:** you dont hate anyone

 **spiderbaby:** hghgngngng youre right but clint is a meanie

 **spidermomma:** plus youre really cute right now

 **spidermomma:** i am very tempted to fly to wakanda now just to hug you 

 **spiderbaby:** as much as i am down for cuddles idk if mr stark would like it

 **spidermomma:** tony can suck it, i want my son

 **spiderbaby:** akfjdskf sim slcose to ears noe??

 **birduncle:** i too want to see my nephew 

 **spiderbaby:** gafkajfkjajf guyssssssssssssss

 **birduncle:** pete you should go to bed, its really late there

 **spiderbaby:** but i wanna stay up to talk to you two!!! i really miss you and i want to hug someone but akfjdkf i dont wanna ask

 **spidermomma:** thats it, im going to fly over to hug peter

 **spidermomma:** clint pack your shit

 **birduncle:** yes ma'am!!!

 **spiderbaby:** wait no!!! 

 **spiderbaby:** you dont need to come here!!

 **spiderbaby:** plus i think im coming home by the end of the weekend or sunday afternoon cause i gotta go to school on monday sadly

 **birduncle:** thats so far awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 **birduncle:** i just wanna hug my favourite boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 **spidermomma:** rt honestly

 **spidermomma:** #letpetersfamilyhughim

 **spiderbaby:** my family is dead except for my aunt

 **spiderbaby:** that would be a little weird ya know???

 **spiderbaby:** like my mom and dad rising from their graves to hug me??

 **spiderbaby:** i would be a little weirded out ngl but i would totally let it happen

 **spiderbaby:** i wanna hug them again :(((

 **birduncle:** i am t h i s close to coming to hug you 

 **birduncle:** i also wanna meet the goats

 **spidermomma:** peter you should go to bed now, its getting late

 **spidermomma:** its almost 4 am there

 **spiderbaby:** but i wanna talk to you two :(((((

 **birduncle:** i wanna talk to petey thooooooooooooooo 

 **spidermomma:** you can talk to us later peter

 **spiderbaby:** but you guys will be asleep when im actually supposed to be awake 

 **birduncle:** bold you to assume that i wont stay up to talk to you

 **spiderbaby:** but you shouldnt

 **spidermomma:** youre being a hypocryite peter

 **spiderbaby:** afakjfkadkf fineeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 **spiderbaby:** ill go to bed nowwwww

 **spiderbaby:** ily both

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (4:05 am)**

**birduncle:** d,do you think he realized what he typed???

 **spidermomma:** probably not

 **spidermomma:** he was practically half asleep

 **birduncle:** im gonna forever cherish that moment

 **birduncle:** im also gonna tell him that i love him lots too

 **spidermomma:** rt

 **birduncle:** good night nat

 **spidermomma:** night

**[spidermomma and birduncle are now offline] (4:08 am)**

**[irondad is now online] (9:06 am)**

**irondad:** PETER BENJAMIN PARKER

 **irondad:** WHERE THE F U CK ARE YOU


	12. new friends!!!!! the squeakual ;)))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> new friends??? new friends!!! the sqeakual

**[spiderbaby is now online] (9:10 am)**

**irondad:** WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU PETER

**irondad:** YOURE NOT IN YOUR FUCKING ROOM

**irondad:** IM GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING HEART ATTACK SOON ENOUGH BECAUSE OF YOU

**spiderbaby:** im outside uwu

**spiderbaby:**  and sorry i worried you mr. stark, i just couldn't sleep and i was gonna go to a lab to just build shit or do something fun but i got lost in the halls and i didnt know which lab was off limits and which weren't so i just went outside to clear my head 

**spiderbaby:** and ever before you say that i could of gone to your room i really just couldnt you know,,,

**spiderbaby:** like,,, i know that our rooms are hella close but adfkjakjf i just couldnt

**irondad:** do you wanna come to a lab with me and eat something?

**spiderbaby:** waffles?

**irondad:** we're in a new country and all you wanna eat is waffles??

**spiderbaby:** please???

**irondad:** fakfakf fine

**spiderbaby:** oh hell yea cock walffles

**irondad:** we're not having waffles

**spiderbaby:** :((((

**spiderbaby:** please??? I want waffles!!!!

**irondad:** no more cock waffle talk

**spiderbaby:** promise!!!!

**irondad:** fine, we can get waffles

**spiderbaby:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**irondad:** now that wasn't very necessary of you

**spiderbaby:** oh it was v necessary of me

**spiderbaby:** i need to show you how excited i am to have waffles

**irondad:** peter you are currently on my back, i can feel you smile against my neck

**spiderbaby:** i am a fool

**spiderbaby:** but im comfortable and its quiet and i dont wanna disturb anyone if they're asleep

**irondad:** youre so soft for strangers

**irondad:** also im adding someone to this chat so be on your best behavior

**spiderbaby:** who is it??

**[irondad added lionking to chrimis!!!!] (9:34 am)**

**spiderbaby:** sis what the f u ck 

**lionking:** Good morning to you Tony and child.

**irondad:** morning t'challa

**spiderbaby:** akfakjfkja fsis what the fu ck 

**spiderbaby:** you added a fucking king mr stark

**irondad:** i told you to be on your best behavior

**spiderbaby:** and i ask you who it was!!!

**spiderbaby:** now im not gonna share my cock waffles with you  >:(

**irondad:** i can drop you at any moment peter

**lionking:** I feel like I came at a bad time,

**spiderbaby:** youre find your majesty sir!! mr. stark just forgot to tell me who was joining this fucked up family!!!

**spiderbaby:** uhh anyway im peter!! also known as spider-man

**spiderbaby:** wait,,, do yall even know who spiderman here is???

**irondad:** just ignore him if he starts to ramble off like now

**spiderbaby:** HEY!  >:(

**irondad:** you know that its true pete

**lionking:** Also, Peter, you can just call me T'challa

**spiderbaby:** Oh!!! Sure thing mr. t'challa!!!

**lionking:** Peter there is no need for the 'Mr.'

**irondad:** you cant make him stop

**irondad:** ive been trying to make him just call me tony but he wont

**spiderbaby:** listen,,, i was raised to be kind to people and call them by their respectful names and i plan to  >:((

**lionking:** I wish my sister was like you, all she does is make fun of my traditional shoes.

**spiderbaby:** no tea no shade but its literally just socks and sandals

**spiderbaby:** which are usually fine if its burks and socks but youre wearing dad sandals and socks and sis,,, thats a no from me

**spiderbaby:** i dont even have a dad and i know that those two things are a no no!!!

**lionking:** I have a feeling that you and my sister will get along quite well.

**lionking:** May I add her Tony? She may be a little rude, but, I really have nothing.

**irondad:** go ahead kitty cat, we have a lot of nut cases here so i doubt that shell make a dent in this bull

**irondad:** and peter, please be on your best behavior

**irondad:** she may be your age and shit but she is still fucking royalty

**spiderbaby:** promise!!!!

**[lionking added kween to chrimis!!!!] (9:58 am)**

**kween:** whats up bitches

**spiderbaby:** uwu welcome to hell bitch

**irondad:** what did i say about being on your best behavoir

**spiderbaby:** i had my fingers crossed behind my back but you wouldnt know cause youre too busy with non important shit and i am busy with v e r y important shit

**kween:** tell me what is so important 

**spiderbaby:** cock waffles

**kween:** aight valid

**irondad:** i have so many regrets

**lionking:** As do I, 

**kween:** blease send over some cock waffles and blease tell me who you are

**spiderbaby:** lmao cant you scroll up

**kween:** no im lazy

**spiderbaby:** fair enough

**spiderbaby:** ugugug im beter, call me yeeter and im spiderman

**kween:** im sorry whwo

**spiderbaby:** uhhh spiderman???

**spiderman:** wait holy shit,,, you know of me???

**spiderman:** i really thought it was only just new york

**spiderman:** and half of them hate me!!!

**irondad:** im sorry what

**spiderman:** oh yea lmao, people hate me 

**spiderman:** but they can suck it cause i hate myself uwu

**kween:** lmao mood

**lionking:** Shuri, we've talked about this.

**kween:** mayhaps 

**kween:**   but anway , youre spiderman

**spiderbaby:** yes we have already established that

**kween:** and you fought in germany with my brother, against captain america

**spiderbaby:** i guess???

**spiderbaby:** and i took him down so ha uwu

**kween:** so how did you take down captain america

**spiderbaby:** i shot him in ze legs cause his shield is the size of a dinner plate and hez an idiot

**kween:** brother i lovve him

**lionking:** How old are you Peter if you don't mind me asking?

**spiderbaby:** lamo, gimme a momment to think

**irondad:** how can you fucking forget how old you are

**spiderbaby:** leave me alone meanie  >:((((

**spiderbaby:** but im 16!!!!

**kween:** youre my age!!!!

**lionking:** That means that Captain America dropped a loading dock on you when you were fourteen

**spiderbaby:** lmao ive had worse 

**irondad:** care to expand on that peter??

**spiderbaby:** no

**kween:** oh big mood

**kween:** come to my lab peter i wanna do science stuff with you

**spiderbaby:** omw im bringing extra cock waffles too

**kween:** i would die for you

**spiderbaby:** not if i die for you first which i fucking will

**irondad:** hold up, im doing science shit with peter, you just cant snatch him away from me

**kween:** i can and i fucking wil

**lionking:** Tony, you, Bruce and I have a meeting to go to. Let the kids have fun,

**irondad:** were gonna come back to fire 

**lionking:** That has happened more than enough times with Shuri alone

**kween:** idk what youre talking about im an angel uwu

**spiderbaby:** rt uwu

**irondad:** pete youre a blessing but a fucking devil 

**spiderbaby:** :(((

**spiderbaby:** shuri im here open up 

**irondad:** when the fuck did you leave 

**spiderbaby:** went through the vents

**spiderbaby:** so boo you better upen them or im gonna fucking goku my way out of this b

**irondad:** you gotta stop hanging out with clint

**spiderbaby:** no

**liongking:** I understood none of that Peter, 

**kween:** i did and the vent is open

**spiderbaby:** im here!!!! UWU

**spiderbaby:** and here is your cock waffles m'lady

**kween:** thank you kind sir

**lionking:** Alright you two, Tony and I are off to a meeting with Bruce. And for the love of God please do not burn down your lab again,

**kween:** i give you none of my promises

**irondad:** peter please do not drink any chemicals

**spiderbaby:** it!!was!!one!!time!!

**irondad:** and i still had a heart attack kid!

**lionking:** Tony we got to start going if we don't want to be late.

**irondad:** alright kitty cat, bye kids

**spiderbaby:** bye mr. stark!!!!

**[lionking and irondad are now offline] (10:24 am)**

**kween:** you wanna go watch vine comps

**spiderbaby:** ill give you one better

**kween:** :0????

**kween:** go on 

**spiderbaby:** captain amercan psas

**kween:** hell yea

**spiderbaby:** you gotta keep it a secret tho!!! im the only one out of all of the avengers who know about it!!

**spiderbaby:** well,,, besides cap himself but hshshshs

**kween:** your secret is safe with me

**spiderbaby:** good

**spiderbaby:** im grabbing more cock waffles ill brb

**kween:** aight bring one back for me too

**kween:** is there any psas we should start with???

**spiderbaby:** uhhhhh the health one 

**spiderbaby:** like,,, 'so youre body is changing'

**kween:** ogod

**kween:** how many times have you seen it

**spiderbaby:** i can quote the whole entire thing

**kween:** im so sorry

**spiderbaby:** wanna remake it just so we can make fun of cap

**kween:** oh absolutely

**kween:** ill get a camera ready

**spiderbaby:** perfect

**[spiderbaby and kween are now offline] (10:36 am)**


	13. merry (late) chrimis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its chrimis and we learn a thing about peter uwuwuwu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains subtle mentions of that i want fanart of this cause i am tired and gay for soft peter but yall dont need to. im just curious of what yall gays come up with from all the 'photos' artists freedom tbh

**[spiderbaby, kween, spidermomma, and birduncle are now online] (12:03 am)**

**kween:** happy chrimus

 **spiderbaby:** it's chrismun

 **kween:** merry crisis

 **spiderbaby:** merry chrysler 

 **birduncle:** ??????????????????????????//

 **spidermomma:** merry christmas to you two too

 **spiderbaby:** could you tell everyone else that their gifts are under the tree???? idk if you already opened presents or are waiting for mr stark and i to come home but yall can open the gifts from me if you want!!!!

 **birduncle:** youre so fucking s o f t 

 **spiderbaby:** you know it!!!!

 **spidermomma:** whos the other person???

 **kween:** im god

 **spiderbaby:** dont disrespect my god like that  >:(((

 **kween:** but im shuri 

 **spiderbaby:** i would die for her

 **birduncle:** please dont peter,,,,,, 

 **spiderbaby:** its too fucking late clint im already grabbing the fucking windex

 **spidermomma:** what about sandwich

 **spiderbaby:** DONT YOU FUCKING D A RE BRING MY SON INTO THIS 

 **spidermomma:** he would be so sad to hear that his father has died for someone

 **spiderbaby:** DONT BRING MY SON INTO THIS HE IS TOO YOUNG AND I DONT WANT HIM GETTING HURT

 **birduncle:** i dont know if i can deal with telling my great-nephew that my nephew, his father, has died

 **birduncle:** i just couldnt do it 

 **kween:** im confused

 **spiderbaby:** sandwich is my son who i would die for 

 **birduncle:** familyphoto.jpeg

 **spiderbaby:** where the f  u   ck did you get that photo

 **birduncle:** uwuwuwuwuwu youll never know kiddo

 **spiderbaby:** anyway yes,,, that is my son, his name is sandwich and i would die for him

 **kween:** can i be the godparent to him

 **spiderbaby:** oh absolutely

 **spiderbaby:** also, , nat, my mother,,, please tell sandwich that he is now a big brother

 **birduncle:** what 

 **spiderbaby:** wuwuwu.jpeg

 **spiderbaby:** meet toast

 **kween:** please tell her that i would die for her

 **spiderbaby:** boo youre right next to me

 **birduncle:** will you tell her that i would die for her

 **spidermomma:** rt

 **spiderbaby:** oh absolutely

 **spiderbaby:** toast got such a happy face on her and i think im actually crying

 **spiderbaby:** shuri am i crying??

 **kween:** i cant tell, i think im crying too

 **birduncle:** sandwich is lowkey jelly

 **kween:** please never say jelly again

 **spiderbaby:** please tell sandwich that im coming home soon!!!! and that i love him lots like wuwuwuwuwuwuuwuwuwuw  <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333

 **spiderbaby:** tell him that word for word or i will snip off you knee caps

 **birduncle:** aight

 **spidermomma:** you two should be going to bed soon

 **spiderbaby:** awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww i dont wanna :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

 **kween:** boo youre leaned up against me, im p sure that you just typed that out with your eyes closed

 **spiderbaby:** shut up,,,, youre also typing with your eyes closed

 **kween:** its a skill that ive learned over the years

 **spiderbaby:** what makes you think that i havent learned that too???

 **spidermomma:** both of you should go to sleep now

 **spiderbaby:** but i dont wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 **birduncle:** now was that necessary

 **spiderbaby:** youre sounding like mr stark

 **birduncle:** ew

 **spiderbaby:** and yes that was totally necessary

 **spidermomma:** time for bed for you two

 **kween:** youre acting like such a mom  >://////////////////////////////////////////

 **spidermomma:** good, i see that im living up to my name then

 **spiderbaby:** i dont wanna sleep i wanna watch toast just be alive like wow,,, i would die for her

 **spiderbaby:** i miss sandwich

 **birduncle:** why do you name all of them after food

 **spiderbaby:** hungry

 **spiderbaby:** and i only named one (1) goat after food

 **spiderbaby:** and his name is sub

 **spiderbaby:** subbbybyby.jpeg

 **kween:** sjfksj hsut upi

 **kween:** no oen stans a duble textr

 **kween:** plse im trying to selep

 **spiderbaby:** you just doubled texted

 **spidermomma:** pete you should go to sleep like shuri is trying to do

 **birduncle:** why are you children all named after bread or bread related things

 **spiderbaby:** lets get this bread

 **kween:** pete if you dnot sopt tezitng i can an wil spit in your ear

 **spiderbaby:** kinky

 **spiderbaby:** but goonight everyone!!!!!!!!

 **spidermomma:** night pete, night shuri

**[kween and spiderbaby are now offline] (1:23 am)**

**spidermomma:** that means you too clint

 **birduncle:** :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

**[birduncle is now offline] (1:26 am)**

**[spidermomma is now offline] (1:27 am)**

**[spiderbaby and kween are now online] (12:03 pm)  
**

**spiderbaby:** it is now chrimis and wow,,,, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 **irondad:** why are you just waking up

 **kween:** we stayed up talking to clint and natasha

 **spiderbaby:** we also had to take care of toast

 **irondad:**  toast?

 **spiderbaby:** my daughter

 **irondad:** pete we cant have another dog in the tower

 **spiderbaby:** im crying now 

 **kween:** can confirm that the new father is crying

 **spiderbaby:** you just cant tear me away from my daughter

 **spiderbaby:** plus i already told sandwich that i would be bringing home a sister

 **irondad:** that means that youve already told natasha

 **kween:** oh absolutely, they seemed very excited about their new great-niece and grand-daughter

 **spiderbaby:** that means that you should also be excited about the new family memeber

 **irondad:** i guess that theres no way of getting out of this,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 **spiderbaby:** nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **kween:** yeeter, what do you have planned for chrimis???? cause i think that this is your last(?) day here before you leave which big sad :((((((((((((

 **irondad:** were leaving the day after tomorrow so you two have some extra time to be kids together

 **kween:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 **spiderbaby:** that means more pranks and more time spent with toast together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **kween:** but back to chrimis talk!!!!!!!!!!! what do yall do in murica

 **irondad:** give gifts???? receive gifts????????????????? you probably do the same here

 **spiderbaby:** i dont really celebrate chrysler tbh

 **kween:** im sorry waht 

 **spiderbaby:** i mean!!!!!!!!! i lvoe crisis all the same 

 **irondad:** can you two please just call it christmas,,,, im too old to understand what youre talking about

 **kween:** no

 **kween:** peter, please explain to me why you dont celebrate jesus day

 **spiderbaby:** i mean i do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 but im more of a Hanuka type of guy

 **spiderbaby:** cuase you know im jewish,,,,,,,,,,

 **irondad:** im sorry wh aht

 **spiderbaby:** have i never told you????????????????????????????//

 **irondad:** no??????????

 **spiderbaby:** oh shit sorry mr stark, but ye,,, im jewish!!!

 **spiderbaby:** my mom and dad were, so was my uncle and my aunt is christan so i celebrate christmas with her, but like,,,,,,,,,,, we dont really give gifts cause were poor and we do Hanuka instead!! but we still do kinda normal christmas shit

 **spiderbaby:** so lmao sorry that i never told you guys!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** it never really came up and i thought that it wasnt really important to my character/this hell hole

 **kween:** so is it still okay for me to give you a christmas gift????

 **spiderbaby:** sure!!!!! Hanuka is just a thing between my aunt and i while christmas is for my friends!!!

 **kween:** good cause youre getting  your own beads

 **spiderbaby:** :00000000000000000000!!!!!!!! im finally gonna get a gucci watch hell yea 

 **irondad:** you know that i could just buy you gucci 

 **spiderbaby:** i do not need gucci clothes cause lowkey they are kinda ugly ://///////////// 

 **spiderbaby:** but that might just be because im poor and it seems that gucci is only for rich people who have questionable tastes

 **kween:** ngl kinda hurt cause gucci looks alright

 **irondad:** peter i could just buy you the gucci company 

 **spiderbaby:** blease no,,, i-m so poor

 **spiderbaby:** too poor for gucci

 **irondad:** too late, im already buying gucci

 **spiderbaby:** N O

 **spiderbaby:** all i need is sandwich and toast and thats it

 **spiderbaby:** maybe some tea cause im tired and stressed i just want milk tea and cookies :(((((((((((

 **kween:** you wanna go bake with me???

 **spiderbaby:** lmao 420 blaze it

 **irondad:** please,,, dont do drugs

 **kween:** you cant make me, youre not my dad

 **spiderbaby:** ugly ass noodle head

 **irondad:** not gonna lie, that kinda hurt

 **spiderbaby:** WAIT MR STARK IM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN IT

 **kween:** i kinda did :////

 **kween:** so yeeter ready to go make cookies

 **spiderbaby:** ye

 **spiderbaby:** what kind tho?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????//

 **kween:** sugar??????????????????

 **spiderbaby:** good enough for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **irondad:** please do not burn anything down

 **spiderbaby:** no promises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! uwu

**[spiderbaby and kween are now offline] (1:45 pm)**

**irondad:** ugh, kids

**[irondad is now offline] (1:46 pm)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So,,, i kinda added something in this chapter from the new spiderman movie!!! So,,, lowkey spoilers,,, but not really. A n y w a y , in a flashback that Peter has he's seen stomping on a glass which is a Jewish tradition in that thing (holiday??? celebration?? celebration) so i headcanon him as Jewish like, his mother and father were so he does Hanuka and the traditional Jewish things (maybe plus knowing Hebrew owow???) but Aunt May is Christian so he celebrates both Christmas and Hanuka. Sorry that's a lot so if you have any questions about this hc just ask!!! im also not jewish,,,,,,,,,, sooo,,, sorry if i get any thing wrong and offend someone of this religion and if i do please tell me in the comments!!!!!1this hc isnt important to this story i thought it would just be fun in this chapter


	14. the good ol switcharoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this just in, local meme teens switch phones and confuse all of the old men and women in their gc. someone send help

**[spiderbaby and kween are now online] (3:03 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** yo boo what if we switched phones for the day

**kween:** and terrorize everyone else on this god forsaken place????????????????????//

**kween:** oh absolutely im not a fool

**spiderbaby:** good

**spiderbaby:** now if someone named guy in the chair texts you asking about the homework just say that its the presentation for ap chem, the chem work book 1-7 all of them and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i think thats it

**spiderbaby:** ill have to check my planner at home but tbh i probably have it written down on my phone in my notes so uwu

**kween:** why the absolute f u c k do you have homework over winter break

**spiderbaby:** cause my school wants to fucking k i l l  us 

**spiderbaby:** like ive already cried four times this past week over homework cause kajfksdkjfjjfjfjfjfj im so stressed out

**kween:** poor baby :(((((((((((((((

**spiderbaby:** ik,,,, poor me :(((((

**kween:** anyway, ill cover you today, just hand me your phone and ill do your homework

**spiderbaby:** ill give you my phone but im not allowing you to do my homework

**spiderbaby:** like you can understand it and do it well and i can too but still,,,,,,,,,,,,, its a lot to do in one week

**kween:** hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm fine i wont cause  you asked so nicely

**spiderbaby:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ily 

**kween:** ily2

**kween:** now gimme your phone bitch

**spiderbaby:** lmao fine here

**spiderbaby:** why the f u c k is your phone so cracked peter

**kween:** i got spidermaning with it and i drop it a lot while swinging :(((((((

**kween:** but lmao go to the videos on my phone, youll see one of me on the empire state building and i just fucking yeet my phone across the town

**spiderbaby:** akfjkfsjsdf peter why 

**kween:** idk, i kinda just sat there and i thought, god will say no but god is dead so i just fucking y o t e it 

**spiderbaby:** its actually yeeted 

**kween:** no its yote

**kween:** get someone else on

**spiderbaby:** fine

**[birduncle, spidermomma, lionking and irondad are now online] (4:01 pm)**

**kween:** is the past tense of yeet yote or yeeted

**kween:** discuss

**kween:** i think its yote and i am totally right 

**kween:** why dumbass peter over here thinks its yeeted

**spiderbaby:** because it is yeeted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**irondad:** is this the reason why you messaged me in a very important meeting peter

**spiderbaby:** this is also a very important meeting mr. stark!!! so please answer me!!!!

**lionking:** Sister, mother wouldn't be happy with you for disrupting this meeting and she won't be happy with me for missing this meeting.

**kween:** this is very important!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just answer it thottie

**birduncle:** its yote

**kween:** good 

**spidermomma:** hmmmmmmmmmm, yeeted

**spiderbaby:** hell yea!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i got my natasha on my side!!!!!!!

**kween:** well succ it i got clint and thats good enough for me!!!

**kween:** brother please,,,,, you gotta be on my side

**[lionking is now offline] (4:15 pm)**

**kween:** thot

**spiderbaby:** mr stark what is your answer!!!! you are the tie breaker!!!!!

**irondad:** yote is easier to say than yeeted so ig yote

**kween:** YES SUCK MY ASS YEETER

**spiderbaby:** im gonna go fucking die now 

**spiderbaby:** nat you get everything on my will except the things that say ned, mj and my aunt

**birduncle:** why do you already have your will written

**spiderbaby:** i crave death like i crave garlic bread

**spiderbaby:** oh so much

**kween:** lmao mood

**spiderbaby:** yo shuri do you even have garlic bread here

**kween:** idk man i sure hope so

**irondad:** dont spiders not like garlic

**spiderbaby:** oh it repels them!!! but does that stop me????

**spiderbaby:** no 

**birduncle:** pete that could fucking kill you

**kween:** i found it

**kween:** it is now in the oven

**spidermomma:** shuri do not let peter eat the garlic bread

**kween:** i give you no promises 

**spiderbaby:** G!A!R!L!I!C! B!R!E!A!D!

**irondad:** pete please do not eat garlic bread

**birduncle:** garlic doesnt kill spiders it only repels them so peter will not die

**spiderbaby:** oh thank god idk if i would be able to live without garlic bread

**kween:** i mean rt

**kween:** GARLIC BREAD IS DONE 

**spiderbaby:** GARLIC BREADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

**irondad:** peter was that necessary at all

**spiderbaby:** it was 

**kween:** it was

**[irondad is now offline] (4:30 pm)**

**kween:** lmao we just fucking killed him

**spiderbaby:** press f to pay respects

**kween:** f

**spiderbaby:** you gotta be respectful clint and nat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**birduncle:** tony doesnt need it hes fine

**kween:** akfkjskfksf my brother just texted me saying that he got out of the meeting and that tony is pouting

**spidermomma:** send pics

**kween:** aight hold on i gotta ask him to get me a picture

**kween:** whatachild.jpeg

**spiderbaby:** akfkjsfkjskljfskjfkjsfkjskj ms. potts is gonna love it

**birduncle:** will tony be mad at me if i printed out a lot of these and put them all over the walls

**spidermomma:** just get steve to paint that on his ceiling 

**spiderbaby:** akfksdfsjf please do it 

**spidermomma:** are you sworn into secrecy peter??????///

**spiderbaby:** if somehow tony finds out you are allowed to kill me

**birduncle:** i hope that it does not come to that

**kween:** i hope it does

**spidermomma:** im getting steve on hold on

**[Lobster is now online] (5:01 pm)**

**Lobster:** Natasha, why did you say that I needed to come on here immediately?

**kween:** why the fuck do you text like my brother

**Lobster:** I don't see how that relates to why I am here. 

**Lobster:** So Natasha, why am I here?

**spidermomma:** because it is very important

**spidermomma:** how fast do you think you can put this image on tonys ceiling in his room

**kween:** whatachild.jpeg

**Lobster:** How long do I have?

**spiderbaby:** uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i think that were leaving tomorrow

**Lobster:** I'm not sure how far I'll get but I can try.

**kween:** fucking b l e s s 

**spiderbaby:** thank you mr rogers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**birduncle:** we stan a sister

**spidermomma:** thank you steve

**spiderbaby:** tell bucky that i love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

**Lobster:** Sure thing Pete

**[Lobster is now offline] (5:10 pm)**

**birduncle:** god tony is gonna hate us

**spidermomma:** that is if he finds out that it was us

**spiderbaby:** should i loop the cameras????? cause i dont want to get mr. rogers in trouble either :((

**birduncle:** good point peter  but tbh steve can suck my ass he didnt buy my lucky charms 

**spiderbaby:** im doing it cause he makes me brownies sometimes

**kween:** pot???

**spiderbaby:** lmao i wish but you seen the anti-drug one 

**kween:** lmao true tea

**spiderbaby:** wanna come help with looping the camera???

**kween:** you know damn well that you can do it yourself but ye

**kween:** i lowkey wanna prank the others 

**birduncle:** nat and i are still in the chat you know

**spiderbaby:** who said that were gonna be pranking you???

**spiderbaby:** we know better

**kween:** lmao i really give no promises 

**spiderbaby:** I know better 

**spiderbaby:** shuri we gotta move out now 

**kween:** omw

**[spiderbaby and kween are now offline] (5:50 pm)**

**birduncle:** are we gonna tell them that we know that they switched phones

**spidermomma:** nah, i think that they forget that were spys 

**spidermomma:** well humor them 

**birduncle:** aight

**[birduncle and spidermomma are now offline] (5:54 pm)**

**[irondad is now online] (7:03 am)**

**irondad:** alright kiddie, we gotta go back to new york cause you got school in a few days

**irondad:** i know that you can see that im talking to you peter 

**[spiderbaby and kween are now online] (7:10 am)**

**kween:** yo shuri could i have my phone back

**spiderbaby:** lmao sure cause i need my phone back now

**irondad:** im sorry you had each others phones the e n t i r e day yesterday??

**spiderbaby:** yea!! we wanted to see if anyone would notice

**spiderbaby:** and im guessing that you didnt mr stark uwuw

**kween:** ha 

**irondad:** now that i know of this i can see small quirks of you two

**irondad:** like peter is much more softer and shuri is an asshole 

**spiderbaby:** mr stark that isnt nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**kween:** lmao youre right 

**irondad:** anyway kiddo we gotta go home

**spiderbaby:** i dont wanna tho :((((

**kween:** cant he stay a while longer?????? 

**kween:** we can send him home super fast!!!!

**irondad:** sorry shuri but we gotta get home

**irondad:** i promised his aunt that i would bring him home a few days before the break ends

**kween:** :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

**spiderbaby:** i got toast and im ready to go

**spiderbaby:** bye boo ily

**kween:** ily2

**kween:** also pete, whos flash????

**spiderbaby:** someone who goes to my school

**kween:** and why did he call you penis parker????

**spiderbaby:** uhhhhhhhhh,,,,, friendship???

**irondad:** peter, who the fuck is flash

**spiderbaby:** uhhhh ill tell you later???????????/

**irondad:** yea you will

**irondad:** but we gotta go now pete, say your good byes

**spiderbaby:** bi shuri we gotta call every day now cause uwu 

**kween:** of course!!!! 

**kween:** ily!!!!!

**spiderbaby:** ily2!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

**[kween is now offline] (7:25 am)**

**irondad:** were also gonna be talking about that pun that you made

**irondad:** it was a good one but were still gonna talk about it with everyone

**spiderbaby:** ah shit

**[spiderbaby and irondad is now offline] (7:29 am)**


	15. guess who isnt straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spoilers: its peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also this is kinda short :((((

**[spiderbaby and irondad are now online] (7:03 am)**

**spiderbaby:** SANDWICH MY BOY IM HOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 **spiderbaby:** AND YOU HAVE A SISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 **chocolatechip:** Hello to You too Peter

 **spiderbaby:** hi bucky!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** how was your christmas????

 **irondad:** god did not answer my prayers

 **spiderbaby:** god is dead mr stark!!!

 **godofthunder:** should i be concerned for your son stark?

 **irondad:** hes not my son point break 

 **irondad:** and yea hes fine, just hyper

**[spiderbaby changed the chatroom name to 20-die-teen]**

**spiderbaby:** this is the year where i will die so uwuw

 **chocolatechip:** No it Won't

 **irondad:** god i hate how you type

 **spiderbaby:** mr. thor!!! may i change your name here???

 **godofthunder:** be my guest tonyson!

 **spiderbaby:** ajfksf jim still not mr. starks son???? it has barely been 10 minutes since you last asked 

**[spiderbaby changed godofthunder's name to pointbreak]**

**spiderbaby:** its not a good one :((((((

 **pointbreak:** i love it tonyson!!!

 **spiderbaby:** afkskf at this point im not even going to try to correc tyou 

 **spiderbaby:** also is everyone here or majority cause sis gots something important to tell y'all uwu

**[birduncle and spidermomma are now online] (7:13 am)**

**spidermomma:** my peter senses were tingling 

 **birduncle:** wait is this peter or shuri???

 **irondad:** wait a god damn fucking moment, you fucking knew what happened???????????????????/

 **chocolatechip:** What happened While You were Gone?

 **spiderbaby:** shuri who is my now wifu for lifu and i switched phones

 **spidermomma:** so whats up peter????

 **spiderbaby:** sis aint straight and im lowkey kinda sister shocked that none of yall knew about it like,,,, have none of yall heard my puns while out being spiderman???????????????//

 **birduncle:** what kind of puns do you make

 **spiderbaby:** I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** bisexual-tea

 **spiderbaby:**  ambisextrous which is actually true, sis can write with both hands uwu

 **spiderbaby:** for halloween i was a witch which is also known as bihexual

 **spiderbaby:** i have 83 protons for you science nerds out there

 **spiderbaby:** and my favorite while being spiderman is i swing both ways

 **birduncle:** i approve of them all

 **birduncle:** but idk what 83 protons are tbh cause im kinda sister stupid

 **spiderbaby:** lmao me

 **irondad:** its bismuth a rainbow colored stone

 **spidermomma:** thank you for coming out to us pete

 **spiderbaby:** uwuwuuw

 **spidermomma:** but question, why did you not want to tell us???

 **spiderbaby:** i mean,,, i know yall are very supportive but does that stop my anxiety??? no

 **spiderbaby:** a lot of people think bisexuality is fake so hghghghgh idk if yall would be the same

 **chocolatechip:** Peter, I am in A Gay relationship

 **spiderbaby:** that doesnt stop my anxiety bucky, my anxiety stops for no man

 **pointbreak:** man of spiders, what is bisexuality???

 **spiderbaby:** its my fucking t i m e

 **spiderbaby:** bisexuality is when someone likes men and women

 **spiderbaby:** often confused with pansexual but hmmmmmmmmmmmm, thats different cause they like e v e r y o n e

 **pointbreak:** ah! thank you man of spiders!!

 **spiderbaby:** you are fucking welcome i love educating people uwuw

 **irondad:** now we got taht out of the way, peter, do you want to tell us who flash is?

 **spiderbaby:** no

 **spidermomma:**  Peter,

 **birduncle:** ogod she pulled out the correct grammar peter spill the tea and tell us before she goes on a killing spree

 **spiderbaby:** i hope im the first one to die in that spree

 **spidermomma:** you are not 

 **spiderbaby:** DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD:

 **irondad:** so pete, whos flash

 **spiderbaby:** lmao no one

 **spidermomma:** what do you know about flash tony??

 **irondad:** he called peter 'penis parker'

 **spiderbaby:** ah good times

 **birduncle:** what the f u k c

 **spidermomma:** this is a totally valid reason to kill this kid

 **spiderbaby:** no it isnt???//

 **spiderbaby:** hes been doing this for years so why would he stop now?//

 **spiderbaby:** a h sihit

 **chocolatechip:** How long Is a Few Years Peter?

 **spiderbaby:** i would like to pass that question

 **spidermomma:** Peter, tell us now.

 **spiderbaby:** udugugugu uhhhhhhhhhh i think the beginning of school???? 

 **spiderbaby:** not like this year but like the beginning of high school

 **birduncle:** what does he do??

 **spiderbaby:** just calls me penis parker which isnt bad but some times hes physical but thats fine!!! im spiderman and i heal super quick so the bruises if there is any dont last!!

 **spiderbaby:** i just get sore sometimes uwuw

 **irondad:** this is no uwu'ing matter pete, this is very important

 **chocolatechip:** This is A Very valid Reason to kill This Kid

 **chocolatechip:** Who even Names Their child Flash

 **spiderbaby:** his real name is eugene 

 **spidermomma:** oh god thats even worse 

 **birduncle:** time to kill this kid

 **spiderbaby:** no!!

 **birduncle:** give me one good reason for us to not kill this kid

 **spiderbaby:** uhh ill be very mad so ill never speak to you again and i dont want someone elses death on my concious

 **spiderbaby:** i can hold v long grudges 

 **birduncle:** wait no

 **spiderbaby:** :)

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (8:03 am)**

**spidermomma:** so were not killing this kid despite that we want to but what should we do then??

 **irondad:** no clue, we could do an anti-bully shit 

 **birduncle:** thatll work????????

 **chocolatechip:** Probably not but we Could Keep a close eye on This kid and If he Does anything To Peter we Go to His house and threaten Him

 **irondad:** i like that idea but hate how you type

 **chocolatechip:** Too bad


	16. one of these days tony is gonna have a heart attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and its gonna be peter's fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i promised this chapter like three chapters ago but im finally here uwu so uhh thanks hypochondriacandatrashmouth for the suggestion uwwuuwuwuwu i would die for you uwu

**[Lobster is now online] (9:35 am)**

**Lobster:** Could everyone who is not currently at the compound please come one.

 **Lobster:** It's very important.

**[birduncle, spidermomma, spiderbaby, and irondad are now online] (9:40 am)**

**birduncle:** do do do dod 

 **spiderbaby:** WHATS THE STITCH

 **Lobster:** Hello you two and hello Natasha and Tony.

 **spidermomma:** hey steve

 **irondad:** so whats going on that its so important for me to part with tinkering

 **irondad:** and petes school time

 **spiderbaby:** school is stupid

 **spiderbaby:** i would rather do 50 cocaines than do another ap calc question

 **birduncle:** oh big mood you funky little child

 **Lobster:** Please do not do any hard drugs, son.

 **spiderbaby:** youre not my dad 

 **spiderbaby:** if you were you would be dead for like the past few years 

 **spidermomma:** can we please get back to the topic at hand????

 **spidermomma:** you said that it was important

 **irondad:** peter we're gonna be talking about these jokes of yours

 **spiderbaby:** that is if you can catch me

 **spidermomma:** boys, the mission

 **Lobster:** Ah yes, Fury called earlier this morning saying that there is an important mission in San Francisco. 

 **irondad:** im not going, pirate can suck my ass

 **Lobster:** Fury said all hands on deck,

 **spiderbaby:** DOES THAT MEAN THAT I CAN COME TOO?!?!?!?!?!!

 **irondad:** no you have school

 **spiderbaby:** :(((((((((((((((((

 **birduncle:** steve said that its all hands on deck and peter has like,,, two more hands

 **birduncle:** and maybe like two more hands if hes hiding two other arms

 **spiderbaby:** lmao still working on it

 **spidermomma:** pete you should stay in school 

 **irondad:** thank you for being on my side

 **spidermomma:** but

 **irondad:** i no longer trust you

 **spidermomma:** will peter and tony be able to come later if clint and i come now?

 **Lobster:** That should work considering we have everyone else already there.

 **spiderbaby:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 **irondad:** i guess you and i are taking a field trip to san fran

 **spiderbaby:** can we stop for pizza after the mission???

 **irondad:** i guess 

 **Lobster:** See you four there.

**[Lobster is now offline] (10:00 am)**

**spiderbaby:** IM GOING TO BE LATE FOR CLASS OH SHIT 

 **spiderbaby:** I GOTTA GO

 **birduncle:** GO PETE GO

 **irondad:** bye pete

**[spiderbaby and irondad are now offline] (10:03 am)**

**spidermomma:** i guess that you and i are suiting up now

 **birduncle:** ugughghghghg

 **birduncle:** but i dont wanna googoggogoo

 **spidermomma:** clint

 **birduncle:** fineee

**[spidermomma and birduncle are now offline] (10:06 am)**

**[irondad and spiderbaby are now online] (3:34 pm)**

**irondad:** alright kiddo, were leaving now

 **spiderbaby:** on my way dad!!!

 **spiderbaby:** ohdfkskfjs oh godof im so sorry mr stakr i didnt mean to say that 

 **irondad:** its fine pete, i know that you didnt mean it

 **spiderbaby:** and if i did???

 **irondad:** then well be talking about it whenever we get a chance 

 **spiderbaby:** alright, im going on the jet!!!

 **irondad:** ill be out in a few 

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (3:39 pm)**

**irondad:** god he thinks me as his d a d 

**[irondad is now offline] (3:40 pm)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (9:01 pm)**

**[spiderbaby added daddy and V to 20-die-teen] (9:02 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** now you two gotta be quiet for a little bit until the others come on cause if they find out youre here theyll flip their shit and probably fucking kill me

 **V:** then why are we here pete 

 **spiderbaby:** cause im p sure that none of these guys believe that i have friends,,, i have like,,, two maybe three friends back home so now i have five(?) friends!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** and two of them cant know who i am or theyll hate me but they already hate me despite knowing who i am!!!

 **daddy:** baby boi you are not allowed to make me cry

 **spiderbaby:** sorry wade :(((((((((((

 **daddy:** but i for one is very excited to meet everyone

 **spiderbaby:** wade does that have to be your name,,,,

 **daddy:** reasons

 **spiderbaby:** everyone is gonna be weirded out by it 

 **daddy:** let them

 **V:** peter, venom wants me to tell you that he thinks of you as his friend

 **spiderbaby:** !!!!!!!!!! six friends!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** i have so many friends now and idk what to do now

 **spiderbaby:** i love yall like uwuw

 **daddy:** youre so fucking c u t e 

 **daddy:** but like no homo

 **spiderbaby:** wade were 2019 pro homo

 **spiderbaby:** we got the gays and the monster fuckers

 **V:** im feeling called out 

 **daddy:** suck it up pussy

 **V:** hey only one (1) thing can call me that and thats venom

 **spiderbaby:** thats pretty gay 

 **V:** as you said before its 2019

 **daddy:** youre right

 **daddy:** also pete, whos the other friend???

 **spiderbaby:** oh!!! its the daredevil!!!

 **V:** never heard of that man

 **spiderbaby:** oh!!! old on ill send you a wiki page of him

 **V:** thank

 **spiderbaby:** but hes a really great friend!!! blind to so that means he cant see how ugly i am!!

 **daddy:** hey, if anyone is ugly its me

 **spiderbaby:** wade, i am gods mistake

 **spiderbaby:** wop, i gotta go now

 **spiderbaby:** ill come get you when im ready to introduce yall!!!

 **V:** bye pete

 **daddy:** bye petey!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (9:20 pm)**

**[daddy and V are now offline] (9:21 pm)**

**[spiderbaby, spidermomma, birduncle, irondad, chocolatechip, poinbreak, trickster, and Lobster are now online] (8:34 am)**

**spiderbaby:** wowie!!! this a a lot of people!!! 

 **spiderbaby:** its usually only a few of us!!!

 **spiderbaby:** also!!! mr loki can i change your name???

 **trickster:** how old do you think i am child

 **trickster:** but go ahead child

 **spiderbaby:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**[spiderbaby changed trickster's name to snek]**

**spiderbaby:** i mean i know youre old yall are old tbh but like,,, in human years youre probably 18,,,, 

 **spiderbaby:** i guess that mr thor is like,,, 23???

 **snek:** why is that accurate

 **snek:** what are you hiding mortal

 **spiderbaby:** it was a big as debate one day during finals

 **spiderbaby:** also!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i made new friends or well,,, i made a new friend yesterday and one of them i finally got their number cause they went away for a while and i was really sad :((( cause they used to get my tacos from this one place but i have another friend here and we get a lot of chinese from this one area near where they live. 

 **birduncle:** damn,,, i dont think that anyone asked for a whole life story about youre friends

 **spiderbaby:** :(((((

 **spidermomma:** well i for one love knowing about petes friends

 **chocolatechip:**  Im Sensing something Stupid,,,,

 **spiderbaby:** oh thats because im on the empire state building on one finger!!!!!!!!!!!

 **irondad:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **Lobster:** Language but Peter, why are you on the Empire State building?

 **spiderbaby:** oh!!! my friend dared me to and what was i gonna do??? say no???

 **pointbreak:** may we meet your friends man on spiders? 

 **spiderbaby:** sure!!!!! imma go get them quickly!!

**[daddy and V are now online] (9:41 am)**

**daddy:** whats up sluts

 **irondad:** my peter is being a moron senses are tingling

 **V:** thats because peter is always a moron

 **spiderbaby:** HEY  >:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((9

 **V:** pete you know that youre a moron, someone dared you to eat a rock and you fucking did

 **spiderbaby:** listen,,,

 **daddy:** lmao i was the one who dared him

 **snek:** what i am getting from this is that peter will do anything if dared

 **spiderbaby:** oh yea mr. loki!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** i mean like,,, within reason cause i still got morales

 **birduncle:** lmao  you still have morales

 **spiderbaby:** only stupid ones

 **irondad:** PETER

 **spiderbaby:** uwu

 **Lobster:** Okay who are you two?

 **daddy:** im god

 **V:** im eddie

 **chocolatechip:** Peter do You Care to expand On What your Friends are

 **spiderbaby:** oh!!!! uhh i refuse to say his name so hold up

**[spiderbaby changed daddy's name to censored]**

**censored:** why is my name censored

 **spiderbaby:** idk i just imagined that if we were in a kids tv show there would be a lot of dolphin noises everything that you say

 **spiderbaby:** okay,, so censored is wade, he's a mercenary and eddie has a monster who crawled up inside his ass inside of him!!! theyre boyfs if you were concered

 **irondad:** PETERE NO 

 **spidermomma:** and how did you meet these two??

 **censored:** peter shot me in the dick

 **birduncle:** KSDFKJSDFKJ WHAKTJ 

 **spiderbaby:** I SAID I WAS SORRY

 **chocolatechip:** I would Like To Know the Story behind This

 **censored:** okay so baby boy and i are fighting bad guys without unaliving them which made me sad but peter flashed his puppy dog eyes

 **birduncle:** we lost another one boys

 **censored:** ive been lost for a while 

 **censored:** anyhow pete ran out of webs so he just took one of my guns and here im thinking wow this is gonna be fucking  h ot but pete just throws the gun yelling yeet and the gun back fires, shotting me in the dick

 **spiderbaby:** it was not one of my bestest moments

 **Lobster:** Wade you do know that Peter is a minor?

 **censored:** yea,,, im not really mentally safe tbh so :///

 **irondad:** two things, peter what have i told you about screaming yeet when webbing and throwing things?

 **spiderbaby:** to not too 

 **irondad:** thats what i thought

 **irondad:** second thing, peter what the fuc k

 **spidermomma:** how did you two meet Eddie???

 **V:** uhhh 

 **spiderbaby:** oh!!! venom (thats eddies boyf monster) just ate someone!!!

 **V:** not one of my highest moments

 **chocolatechip:** Hold one, Eddie You ate Someone?

 **V:** i mean it wasnt me? it was venom cause he needs some brain chemical thats in chocolate

 **irondad:** pete i think you and i should talk about your choice of friends

 **censored:** oh youll love matt

 **censored:** hes like a dad but not,,,

 **irondad:** that makes no sense

 **birduncle:** that makes total sense

 **spidermomma:** i always knew that you had some loose screws clint

 **spiderbaby:** hey thats not nice  >:(((

 **spiderbaby:** wop theres matt!!!!!! its chinese time!!!

 **spiderbaby:** bye bye

 **censored:** YOU OWE ME NEXT TIME WE GET FOOD

**[spiderbaby, snek, pointbreak, chocolatechip, and Lobster is now offline] (10:18 am)**

**spidermomma:** were gonna have to talk to peter about his friends arent we

 **irondad:** oh of course

 **birduncle:** let the kid live a little

 **irondad:** he shot someone in the d i c k

 **birduncle:** lmao me 

 **spidermomma:** perish 

**[spidermomma, birduncle, irondad are now offline] (10:21 am)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh,,, idk if i should keep wade and eddie/venom so if you guys wanna keep them just ask me but idk how to keep them going :((( also,, idk even know myself but any relationships with peter???????? like,,, romantic but i might just leave it out tbh cause family
> 
> also this took me a while cause of finals :((((


	17. i dont feel so good mr stark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter is sick :((( and i am too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be short cause i have a really bad headache but sis has to crank one out

**[irondad is now online] (11:23 am)**

**irondad:** has anyone seen peter today?

**irondad:** his aunt called saying that he didnt go to school today

**spidermomma:** friday says that he isnt here

**birduncle:** have you tried calling him???

**irondad:** yea and he didnt pick up

**chocolatechip:** Can't you Check In on His suit AI?

**irondad:** he isnt in his suit

**Lobster:** Trying going to his house?

**[spiderbaby is now online] (11:27 am)**

**spiderbaby:** hewoo

**irondad:** you have .2 seconds to explain why you are not in school

**spiderbaby:** oh, i woke up with a really bad headache and i thought that it was just a sensory overload cause i get those time from time but it turns out im sick!!! 

**spiderbaby:** like my head hurts a lot and i can barely swallow without being in pain

**spiderbaby:** so in conclusion it really do be like it 

**Lobster:** Have you checked your temperature yet Peter?

**spiderbaby:** i mean i tried to walk to the bathroom to get it but i got to let headed and i got the shakes

**spiderbaby:** my skeleton is ready to hatch out of my skin and i have accepted it

**irondad:** and why havent you told your aunt yet????

**spiderbaby:** she had to leave for work way before i woke up and i tried to call her but she was probably busy with a patient

**irondad:** and why didnt you answer my call???

**spiderbaby:** im gay mr stark i havent had my ringtone on in y e a r s 

**birduncle:** oh big mood you funking little child 

**irondad:** ill call your school right now to excuse you

**spiderbaby:** you dont need to mr stark!!!!!!

**spiderbaby:** ill be fine missing a few days of school, plus its friday so imma just stay home

**irondad:** dont you have finals soon?

**spiderbaby:** please dont remind me i know that im gonna fail

**chocolatechip:** Im Sure that Youll do Great on you Exams

**spiderbaby:** thats what i always say and i always fail at least two

**spidermomma:** go take a nap if youre not feeling good

**spiderbaby:** i cant tho, i slept for so long and if i keep sleeping ill get bed sores 

**birduncle:** eat something than!!!

**spiderbaby:** i have appley juc tho

**Lobster:** You need to eat something son.

**spiderbaby:** i dont recall having a dad 

**irondad:** alright i so i called your school and youre excused for the rest of the day. 

**spiderbaby:** aight 

**spiderbaby:** imma go eat cereal now cause im hungry but i dont wanna make anything

**birduncle:** o big mood

**Lobster:** Check your temperature while you're up, Pete

**spiderbaby:** ughghgh f ine ee

**spiderbaby:** so its 99.8 to 100 f so idk if thats good or bad,,,

**spiderbaby:** cause like,,,, my body temp is much lower than the normal one but like,, only liek 2 degrees tho

**spidermomma:** p e t er 

**spidermomma:** why did this just happen to slip your mind 

**spiderbaby:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**spiderbaby:** oh fuck i found puppy chow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**birduncle:** oh hell yea!!!! 

**chocolatechip:** Clint please Do Not encourage The sick Child

**irondad:** peter if you eat that god damn puppy chow i will eat your knee caps

**spiderbaby:** bold of you to assume that i actually have bones

**Lobster:** Could you please explain what that means.

**spiderbaby:** uhh spiders dont have bones so i can flop around

**chocolatechip:** Now that just Fucking Scary 

**Lobster:** Langauge Bucky.

**chocolatechip:** You can Not Tell me that If you Saw a Child in the Middle of the Night just Flopping around in the Halls

**chocolatechip:** Do not Lie to me and Say that you Wouldnt be scared

**birduncle:** i would be fucking horrified 

**spiderbaby:** wibboly wabbly 

**spiderbaby:** I JUST NSEEND AND I DROPED THE MILK

**spidermomma:** im sorry you what

**spiderbaby:** i sneezed :(((

**irondad:** kid your sneezes sound like a goddamn kittens

**spiderbaby:** no i am a m a n

**birduncle:** keep telling yourself that kid

**spiderbaby:** shut up clit

**irondad:** KJFKSDFKSDFKJSDKJF 

**spiderbaby:** ******CLINT

**birduncle:** KFKSF I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO OFFENDED IN MY L I FE 

**spiderbaby:** IM SORRY 

**Lobster:** I think that you need to just get off your phone Pete, you're obviously delirious. 

**spiderbaby:** hgnn fine :(( 

**spiderbaby:** i guess that imma take a nap now, gn everyone

**spidermomma:** its afternoon 

**spiderbaby:** good night

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (12:03 pm)**

**[spidermomma, birduncle, chocolatechip, Lobster, and irondad are now offline] (12:04 pm)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (2:12 am)**

**spiderbaby:** i just woke up to the weirdest fever dream,,,

**spiderbaby:** like i had this dream yesterday but i remember this one mostly cause it was a war but a really shitty one and everytime i would wake up it would end duh but when i fell asleep i would be in the same place before i went to bed

**spiderbaby:** i should probably get water and check my temperature again but i dont wanna get up,,

**[irondad is now online] (2:15 am)**

**spiderbaby:** why are you up mr stark??

**irondad:** i was already up working when friday told me that you were up 

**spiderbaby:** oh shit 

**spiderbaby:** sorry mr stark i just dont feel good rn and its hard for me to fall asleep cause i have a really bad headache and im really warm

**irondad:** do you want me to come over?

**spiderbaby:** no i dont want you to get sick!!! cause if you get sick from me then ill feel like shit

**spiderbaby:** or more shit than i feel like

**irondad:** go get something to drink kid

**spiderbaby:** fine but i dont want to wake may up

**irondad:** dont you have at least a thousand bottles that are almost empty??

**spiderbaby:** !!! youre right i do have a few laying on my desk ill just drink from that

**spiderbaby:** ewie they were warm :(((

**irondad:** you should go to bed kiddo

**spiderbaby:** but i dont wanna go back to the war i wanna stay here and talk to you

**irondad:** maybe so but you are also sick and you need your rest

**spiderbbay:** why cant you take your own advice

**irondad:** i did not come here to be slandered 

**spiderbaby:** :///

**spiderbaby:** i guess that im going to bed now, ily you lotes 

**irondad:** love you too kiddo now go get some rest

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (2:29 am)**

**[irondad is now offline] (2:30 am)**


	18. peter is a goddamn moron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but when is he not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to TheLittleTrashCat for the suggestion, im still sick and its almost my birthda (the 27th :(()

**[spiderbaby is now online] (10:34 am)**

**spiderbaby:** good morning everyone!!! i no longer have a 100 f temp it is now back at 96 f!!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** that means i no longer have a fever, only a cough and a slight headache but then again when dont i have headaches!!!

 **irondad:** please back up to the fact that you are currently at a 96 degree temp

 **spiderbaby:** it sounds like how it is

 **spiderbaby:** my temp is currently 96 degrees

 **spidermomma:** thats not good peter

 **spidermomma:** are you outside right now??

 **birduncle:** aww mom nat is worried

 **spidermomma:** i will stab your shoulder

 **spiderbaby:** no im inside under so many blankets!!! 

 **spiderbaby:** im a little cocoon imma become a butterfly!!

 **birduncle:** or a moth cause i barely see you outside during the day

 **spiderbaby:** thats cause im so pale!! and if i go outside i will freckle up

 **birduncle:** that sounds so fucking cu t e

 **spiderbaby:** clint thats pretty gay

 **spiderbaby:** plus youve never seen my freckles

 **spidermomma:** you have slight freckles on your face peter and i think on your arms but you never wear t shirts

 **irondad:** thats fucking adorable peter, i dont know why you dont go outside more

 **spiderbaby:** why are you looking that close at my face, how as you not disgusted

 **irondad:** as much as i love talking about peter, lets talk about more pressing matters about peter

 **spiderbaby:** that makes no sense at all

 **spiderbaby:** yet better yet, lets n o t talk about me

 **birduncle:** i like talking about you so lets talk about you!!

 **spiderbaby:** :(((

 **spidermomma:** so besides the fact that your body temperature is below normal, what else should we be worried about?

 **spiderbaby:** i think i already told someone this but i have a super fast metabolism so i gotta eat lots so that my body can keep moviing!!

 **spiderbaby:** which honestly just let my body give out already

 **irondad:** why are you just now bring this up with me

 **spiderbaby:** because i am a dumb fuck

 **spiderbaby:** i also cant have peppermint but im p sure that i told someone this already tho

 **spiderbaby:**  my friends say i basically pur but idk how i feel about that

 **birduncle:** where the f u ck did your friends find out that you purr

 **spiderbaby:** well as mentioned before i have like no way to thermoregulate

 **spidermomma:** it seems that you have failed to mention that

 **spiderbaby:** oh lmao ig that i thermoregulate so im always cold and if i get cold enough i will go into hibernation which is p cool

 **irondad:** p e t er

 **birduncle:** please get back to the fact that you practically purr

 **spiderbaby:** oh right, lmao

 **spiderbaby:** anyway, so im always cold and im always down for a good cuddle with my great friends who dont love me at all!!! and because i am a big gay i like to have my hair played with so sometimes theyll play with my hair that usually ends up with braid and one time ned said 'holy shit peter did you just purr???' and of course im a big gay and im gonna deny it but mj said 'you just fucking purred loser'

 **spiderbaby:** so i guess that i purr

 **irondad:** are there anymore spider secrets we should know??

 **spiderbaby:** mr stark if i tell you them they wont be secrets anymore!!!

 **spidermomma:** peter

 **spiderbaby:** fine, i have heightened sense and sticky grip but you guys already knew that and i have them sorta under control unless i lose control of my emotions and shit which barely happen so yall will be fine!!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** imma go scadadle scadoodle off now!!! bye bye!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (12:02 pm)**

**[spidermomma, birduncle, and irondad are now offline] (12:04 pm)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its so short, my headaches have been getting worse :(((


	19. why are you awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter go to sleep god d a m n 
> 
>  
> 
> (all these messages are at least 25 minutes ish apart, peter is just sitting on the counter in the kitchen thinking about this)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its so hard to read :((

**[spiderbaby is now online] (2:23 am)**

**spiderbaby:** so, because bigfoot is real and lives in america

**spiderbaby:** why doesnt he pay taxes or anything

**spiderbaby:** he isnt a functioning member of society and honestly i dont wanna be one either

**spiderbaby:** its really fucking hard

**[irondad is now online] (2:28 am)**

**irondad:** why the fuck are you awake

**spiderbaby:** why are Y O U awake?

**irondad:** touche

**spiderbaby:** you forgot the accent so my broke brain read it as tooch

**irondad:** why are you awake peter

**spiderbaby:** i watched a lot of serial killer documentaries today and wowie my anxiety keeps telling me that there is in fact a serial killer behind me when im getting a drink of water

**spiderbaby:**  and im all for dying tbh but like,, not like that you know??

**irondad:** i in fact do not know what the fuck youre talking about

**spiderbaby:** thats pretty tragic dude 

**spiderbaby:** you should go to bed mr. stark!!!

**irondad:** you should too

**spiderbaby:** i will im just gonna go get a drink of water first

**irondad:** alright

**irondad:** good night kiddie

**spiderbaby:** good night mr stark!!!  <33333

**[irondad is now offline] (2:34 am)**

**spiderbaby:** do bees have eyelashes

**spiderbaby:** wait holy shit do they??? i gotta look this up

**spiderbaby:** they do not :((( god now how are they supposed to put on mascara??? 

**spiderbaby:** god i love bees

**spiderbaby:** i wanna a plushie of a bee like a honeybee cause theyre just little rounds boys who bumble around and make flowers happen

**spiderbaby:** lets see how much one is 

**spiderbaby:** OH MY GOD THEYRE SO R OU N D

**spiderbaby:** THERES A CAT ONE HOLY S HIT

**spiderbaby:** i lveo bes

**spiderbaby:** DO STARS HAVE FEELINGS

**spiderbaby:** OH GOD DO THEY HAVE D R E A MS

**spiderbaby:** WERE THE F OR C ED TO BECOME STARS??????? WHAT IF THEY WANTED TO BE SOMETHING ELSE???

**spiderbaby:** do you think butterflies taste good?

**spiderbaby:** or do you think butterflies get humans when they get nervous cause you know we get butterflies when we get nervous

**spiderbaby:** who put the butterflies there? why butterflies and not worms???

**spiderbaby:** i wish that i could do spider things

**spiderbaby:** like i only got a few attributes and even then they arent that cool  >:<

**spiderbaby:** like i wanna climb into someones ear and d i e

**spiderbaby:** HEY WHY THE F U CK DIDNT I GET EXTRA LIMBS

**spiderbaby:** I WANT EXTRA LIMBS

**spiderbaby:** GIMME EXTRA LIMBS

**spiderbaby:** i found marshmallows in the cupboard lets see how much i can fit in my mouth

**spiderbaby:** place your bets now!!!

**spiderbaby:** it turns out that i can in fact fit 23 marshmallows in my mouth

**spiderbaby:** i now feel fucking sick ogod why did i do that

**spiderbaby:** once yall read these you cant be mad at me cause im trying my bestpacito and please accept that uwu

**spiderbaby:** do you think FRIDAY and karen have feelings?

**spiderbaby:** hold up ill ask karen now

**spiderbaby:**  she says she doesnt have feelings but she tells me that shes very proud of me and she loves me

**spiderbaby:** ogod i think im crying now

**spiderbaby:**  if karen had a form like a physical form i would fucking love to hug her and give her a forehead kiss

**spiderbaby:** i imagine her as like the mom friend but really short and chub, perfect for cuddling!!!!

**spiderbaby:** oh fuck its getting late

**spiderbaby:** im gonna go to bed now love ya!!!!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (4:01 am)**

**[irondad, spidermomma, birduncle are now online] (6:34 am)**

**irondad:** PETER WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT YOU WENT TO BED AT 2 AM

**birduncle:** these are all moods

**[spiderbaby is now online] (6:51 am)**

**spiderbaby:** you know better then to leave me alone on my own devices

**spidermomma:** do you need something to sleep at night like pills?

**spiderbaby:** not usually, just last night i couldnt sleep

**spiderbaby:** but i will go back to bed cause im sleeby and i dont have school today uwuw

**birduncle:** nighty night kid

**irondad:** you fucking better go to bed kid

**spiderbaby:** i will i will uwu!!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (7:00 am)**

**irondad:** i dont know how to deal with him

**spidermomma:** hell run out of energy soon enough

**irondad:** yea hopefully

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its so short, something really bad came up in my family and im trying my best 
> 
> (blease leave ideas for new chapters, it took me a while to figure out what the fuck i was gonna do for this)


	20. peter loves his friends and his is gonna fucking tell e v e r y o ne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter is so soft for his friends and is so v soft for shuri but she is back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in honor of v-day

**[spiderbaby is now online] (8:13 am)**

**spiderbaby:** hello bitches, today is a very important day for me so if yall can stop being bitchasses and let me love

**[spidermomma, birduncle, and irondad are now online] (8:15 am)**

**birduncle:** :00??? whats going on tiny dude???

**irondad:** please dont ask that

**spiderbaby:** IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED

**irondad:** ogod ive already heard this four times, peter please do not tell them

**spiderbaby:** im going to tell them!

**spiderbaby:** so!! today is valentines day and i may not have a date which is totally fine by me cause i dont need a date!!! i have friends who i love v near and dear to my heart like my heart his actually fucking vibrating with love, im quite positive and my heart can not handle this love but i am making it hold m o re cause i love so many things!!! like yall!!! i love you lots!!!! toast and sandwhich??? fucking deities, i praise them everyday!!! my friends??? ned, mj, and shuri???? god i cry for them everyday!!! you all make me drop my uwus!!! my heart can not p h y s i c a l l y  h a n d l e all the love that i just feel for you guys!!!!! god like my heart might actually burst!!!! 

**spidermomma:** that might not be healthy if your heart hurts like that

**irondad:** i have to agree with nat here, are you okay peter????

**birduncle:** i love you too pete!!!!!!!!

**spiderbaby:** im glad that s o m e o n e appreciates me loving them

**spiderbaby:** mr stark and nat just cant appreciate my love :(((

**spiderbaby:** pepper would appreciate my love too! 

**birduncle:** you two are just fuddy duddies, you dont deserve peter!

**spiderbaby:** anyway, thor is lowkey a snack ngl

**irondad:** you have lost your speaking right for today if youre gonna be acting like that. 

**spiderbaby:** :(((

**spiderbaby:** jokes on you i know morse code so i can fucking t a p my love!

**spiderbaby:**  .. / .-.. --- ...- . / -.-- --- ..- / ... --- / -- ..- -.-. .... / -- .-. / ... - .- .-. -.- -.-.-- -.-.-- -.-.--

**irondad:** i have no clue what the f u ck that says

**spiderbaby:** ;)))))

**irondad:** ogod clint, nat is it bad

**birduncle:** idk morse code, or well i do i just dont wanna tell you

**spidermomma:** hes not calling you a bitch if thats what youre worried about

**spidermomma:** but its actually very sweet, not out of the ordinary for peter. 

**irondad:** that could go two ways and im hoping it goes the way i want

**spiderbaby:** i dont know which way you want it to go but i hope its the nice one!!!

**irondad:** thats what im hoping too 

**spiderbaby:** i gotta get scaddadling to class now but i want everyone to know that i love you lots!!! like woeie, my heart is going uuwuw for you three!!! plus eveyone else who isnt online rn!!!

**birduncle:** love you too pete

**spiderbaby:** uuuwwuwu!!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (8:25 am)**

**irondad:** god were so fucking soft for that kid

**spidermomma:** can you blame us? he gives those puppy dog eyes

**irondad:** you two are spies, you arent supposed to fall for those puppy dog eyes

**birduncle:** lmao you may be right but have you s e e n them? 

**irondad:** of course i have,

**spidermomma:** youre supposed to be iron man, youre not supposed to fall for peters puppy dog eyes

**irondad:** shit you right

**spidermomma:** i know

**[spidermomma, birduncle, and irondad are now offline] (8:30 am)**

**[spiderbaby and kween] (12:00 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** owo whos this queen??????

**kween:** boo you fucking cant send me a v-day expect me n o t to cry!!!!

**spiderbaby:** gotta do things right for my queen uwu

**spiderbaby:** but did you like it??

**kween:** like it??? i fucking love it like im actively crying into the plush, how the fuck did you find one like this??

**spiderbaby:** i had is specially made for you!! 

**kween:** god im actually crying, i love her so much 

**kween:** are you in school rn bae??? 

**spiderbaby:** yea, i leave in about three-ish hours 

**kween:** aight when you get home check your room, i left you a gift too uwu

**spiderbaby:** omg babe you didnt 

**kween:** gotta treat my king right you know

**kween:** and im gonna do it r i g h t

**spiderbaby:** please tell me that you didn't spend a lot of money on me :((( you know how i get when people spend a lot of money on me

**kween:** i promise that i did not spend lots of money, but youll love it!!

**spiderbaby:** i dont doubt it!!! i love everything that you give me!!!

**spiderbaby:** ope, i gotta go back to class, ill talk to you see love!!!

**kween:** face time later tonight?

**spiderbaby:** yea but i doubt that ill be that fun cause i gotta do homework

**kween:** thats fine!!! i love spending time for you

**spiderbaby:** uwuwu!!!

**spiderbaby:** bye bye!!!

**kween:** bye!!!!

**[spiderbaby and kween are now offline] (12:30 pm)**

**[spiderbaby and kween are now online] (3:35 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** SHURI YOU FUCKKIGN DIDNT THIS IS SO EXPENSIVE

**kween:** it really wasnt, i made most of it myself

**spiderbaby:** hgngngng it just looks expensive but i love it!!!! 

**kween:** good!!! i was worried that you wouldnt!!

**spiderbaby:** you fool, i love everything that you do

**kween:** fact time time???

**spiderbaby:** yea!!! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please consider leaving a comment and a kudos, they really motivate me to write more!!!  
> oh also!! im making this a series where all the other stories is the different gcs with peter like one with the kids, dp, matt, and eddie etc so recommend stuff for that also!! because of the new kid gc i might??? make a relationship between in that one because its only the kids??? so idk if i would do a polyam one or one with only peter and someone else. im lowkey leaning for poly cause god i love those kids but idk
> 
> (the morse code says i love you so much mr stark!!!!)


	21. #bringbackoppy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FU CK IM SAD

**[spiderbaby is now online] (11:01 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** mr loki and mr thor

 **spiderbaby:** please come here this is very important im in tears please hurry up

**[snek, pointbreak, and irondad are now online] (11:06 pm)**

**pointbreak:** WHAT IS WRONG MAN OF SPIDERS

 **irondad:** arrow thor

 **pointbreak:** OH RIGHT

 **pointbreak:** is this better?

 **irondad:** very

 **snek:** its also ms today 

 **spiderbaby:** oh!! sorry ms loki!!!

 **spiderbaby:** a n y wa y i need help, like so much help

 **irondad:** ARE YOU OKAY

 **spiderbaby:** im currently crying in the bathroom under the sink so idk if thats okay

 **irondad:** ARE YOU HURT?

 **spiderbaby:** physically i can feel a migraine come 

 **spiderbaby:** emotionally? i can feel my heart actually b r e a k i n g in half

 **snek:** and why is my brother and i needed here?

 **spiderbaby:** i need one of you to send me to mars right away

**[stronk is now online] (11:17 pm)**

**stronk:**  thor i need you to send me to mars right away

 **spiderbaby:** DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED DR BANNER???????/

 **stronk:** YEA???? IM CURRENTLY CRYING IN MY ROOm

 **spiderbaby:** OMG SAME 

 **irondad:** i would appreciate to be kept in the loop please

 **irondad:** why did i just get a video of peter crying in the dark saying 'she didnt deserve it' and that 'she was too young' and that you practically grew up with her

 **spiderbaby:** EVERYTHING I SAID IS TRUE

 **irondad:** brucie bear can you please explain why peter is crying and why you are crying too?

 **stronk:** SHE DIED TONY AND IM GOING TO MOURN HER

 **pointbreak:** who is her bruce?

 **stronk:** OPPORTUNITY, SHE WAS A ROVER ON MARS BUT TODAY SHE FUCKING D I E D 

 **spiderbaby:** HER LAST WORDS WHERE 'my battery is getting low and it's getting dark' AND IM SO SAD

 **spiderbaby:** AND THOSE WORDS ARE SO HUMAN LIKE AND THAT SCARES ME LOWKEY BUT THEY mAKE ME EVEN SADDER!!!

 **irondad:** so you two are crying over a rover

 **spiderbaby:** Y  ES 

 **spiderbaby:** ITLL BE Y E A R S UNTIL WE CAN GET TO HER AGAIn

 **pointbreak:** i have it ready for you two, i will be joining you two because i am worried for you two and i too want to get this 'Opportunity'

 **irondad:** point break,,, y,, you cant

 **snek:** you cant make me stark, im going to help 

 **irondad:** sorry reindeer games but i dont want peter or bruce going to space ever again

 **spiderbaby:** :((((

 **spiderbaby:** please?? just this once??? ill n e v e r go into space again 

 **stronk:** i give no promises about going to space again, i just want oppy back

 **irondad:** sorry kids but no is a no 

 **spiderbaby:** this family sucks a s s!!!  >:(

 **spiderbaby:** #bringbackoppy

 **stronk:** #bringbackoppy

 **irondad:** c, can you two not

 **snek:** no let them finish

 **pointbreak:** ,,,,,,,

 **irondad:** dont

 **pointbreak:** #bringbackoppy

 **irondad:** im now worried what you guys will act like if something happens to a roomba

 **spiderbaby:** ill actually cry 

 **spiderbaby:** i cant say about the others but i will for sure cry

 **irondad:** you should go to bed

 **spiderbaby:** not until you let me go get oppy

 **irondad:** ill tell pepper

 **spiderbaby:** GOING TO BED RIGHT AWAY!!!!

 **snek:** good night mortal

 **spiderbaby:** good night ms loki!!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (12:03 am)**

**stronk:** so can we go to space now?

 **pointbreak:** i dont know if the man of spiders would appreciate us leaving without him

 **irondad:** you can not

 **stronk:** >:(

 **snek:** this is so mean stark, these mortals are in pain

 **irondad:** theyll get over it

 **stronk:** ill never get over it

 **stronk:** not until oppy is back alive

 **irondad:** go to bed bruce

 **stronk:** >:(

**[stronk is now offline] (12:08 am)**

**pointbreak:** now can we go to mars?

 **irondad:** no

 **pointbreak:** >:(

**[snek, pointbreak and irondad are now offline] (12:11 am)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consider leaving a comment, a kudos and maybe even an idea for a new chapter!


	22. sip sip b

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter has some quality time with tony but that quickly changed to tony being done with peter but whats new  
> .  
> .  
> .  
>  or peter figures out a few of his new powers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to booping_the_snoop for the chapter idea! sorry it took for five ever for me to actually write this!

**[spiderbaby is now online] (4:23 am)**

**spiderbaby:** YO WHY THE F U C K DID MY BREAD JUST FUCKING TURN INTO LIQUID IN MY HANDS AFTER BITING IT?

 **spiderbaby:** WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 **spiderbaby:** WHY THE F U CK IS MY TONGUE NUMB????????/

 **spiderbaby:** JGJJGJSFKSKF IM FUCKING PANICING DUDE

 **spiderbaby:** aight so im good now but my bread is still a liquid??? so im lowkey confused but at the same time??? like i mean now i can sip my bread

 **spiderbaby:** yoooooooooooooooooooooooo i got fucking f a n g s now dude!!!

 **spiderbaby:** oh my god im either part vampire or im slowly turning into Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

 **spiderbaby:** akfjkskfj if i start talking like her please shoot me on spot

 **spiderbaby:** hmmmmm actually just shoot me now, i dont deserve to be her, i could never be on her level of bitchness

 **spiderbaby:** ope im gonna go on patrol, bye bye yall!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (4:37 am)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (7:33 am)**

**spiderbaby:** mr. stark??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 **spiderbaby:** mr stark?

 **spiderbaby:** mr stark we have a fucking emergency and why the fuck are you not here this is fucking homophobia 

**[irondad is now online] (7:36 am)**

**irondad:** whats wrong peter??? firday tells me that your heart rate is all over the place

 **spiderbaby:** my mask isnt coming off and im lowkey panicing???

 **spiderbaby:** blease help

 **irondad:** im on my way kid but right now tell me how this happened

 **spiderbaby:** so ive been a little stressed out as of late which is normal but i just had the sudden spike of anxiety just coming here and idk why and when i tried to take my mask off it wouldnt and idk whats going on 

 **irondad:** okay kiddo how about we take a deep breath before figuring out what happened

 **irondad:** can you do that?

 **spiderbaby:** yea yea yea i can just gimme a moment

 **irondad:** take all the time you need

 **spiderbaby:** kay im good now

 **irondad:** alright so lets back track, why did you get a spike of anxiety?

 **spiderbaby:** idk im probably just over reacting

 **irondad:** youre not over reacting if youre that anxious about it

 **spiderbaby:** can i rant quickly??

 **irondad:** go ahead kiddo

 **spiderbaby:**   i was thinking about my friends and wow i, i love them lots but im worried about losing touch with them when we all eventually move away from our home and i dont want that to happen cause i have like, one main friend i can trust and it just really sucks cause i dont want to worry my friends about this cause then hell worry about it and that will just make me worry even more! i, it just really sucks right now

 **irondad:** okay, i understand that youre anxious but peter, you are your friends are thick as thieves, youre always texting them and sending them messages even if you are sitting right next to them

 **spiderbaby:** gotta keep them caught up on the memes

 **irondad:** anyway, you and your friends are going to stay together well after you all die

 **spiderbaby:** thanks mr stark, it really helped

 **irondad:** no problem kiddie, now lets get that mask off

 **spiderbaby:** hey it came off!!

 **spiderbaby:** thanks mr stark!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** is anyone else here or is it just us two?

 **irondad:** the others are here but quickly moved out when they found out you werent doing too hot 

 **spiderbaby:** interesting but im better now and im going to go and show them something!

 **irondad:** do i want to know?

 **spiderbaby:** lmao no

 **irondad:** god what am i going to do with you?

 **spiderbaby:** love me uwu?

 **irondad:** ... i guess

 **spiderbaby:** :D

 **spiderbaby:** im off to the commons!!! 

 **irondad:** alright kiddo

**{spiderbaby and irondad are now offline] (8:00 am)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (8:03 am)**

**spiderbaby:** whats up gamers

 **spiderbaby:** i made a few mistakes today but it seems it be looking up for me cause sis has something good now

**[irondad, lobster, spidermomma, birduncle and chocolatechip are now online] (8:07 am)**

**birduncle:** my boy!!!

 **birduncle:** is everything okay little man

 **spiderbaby:** im not little bitch 

 **birduncle:** as long you are shorter than me you will always be my little man

 **spiderbaby:** alright mom

 **spidermomma:** excuse me?

 **spiderbaby:** sorry spidermom

 **spidermomma:** ill accept it 

 **spiderbaby:** :D

 **lobster:** What are you drinking Peter?

 **spiderbaby:** ngl you type like my friend

 **spiderbaby:** but i made a smoothie!!!! 

 **chocolatechip:** What kind did You Make?

 **irondad:** when will you learn to type

 **chocolatechip:** When you Learn not To be a Bitch

 **spiderbaby:** KFJKSFKSKDFSJD FIM CYRING

 **spiderbaby:** OH FUCK I DROPPED MY SMOOTHIE ISHIT

 **birduncle:** a moment of silence for our fallen brother

 **spiderbaby:** im making another

 **spiderbaby:** god i almost typed im gay 

 **spiderbaby:** whats the difference tho 

 **birduncle:** could i have some of your smoothie peter???

 **spiderbaby:** no fuck off

 **birduncle:** i wont lie but that hurt :((

 **spidermomma:** sucks to be you clint

 **lobster:** Tony and Bucky can you please stop fighting

 **irondad:** suck my ass rogers 

 **chocolatechip:** As rich as You are Tony please Do Not take My Job

 **spiderbaby:** KSFJSKFSDJF KSJF  THIS FAMILY FUCKING SUCKS WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE IN FRONT OF M E 

 **spiderbaby:** THIS FUCKING SUCKS

 **spiderbaby:** THIS ISNT EVEN THE FIRST TIME 

 **chocolatechip:** I said Sorry 

 **spiderbaby:** i know it just hgngn i dont like hearing yall

 **irondad:** i dont want to hear about rogers sex life so lets focus on peter

 **irondad:** peter what are you drinking

 **spiderbaby:** i got the bread mr stark

 **irondad:** im sorry what

 **spiderbaby:** i got the bread

 **birduncle:** please explain little mans

 **spiderbaby:** alright!!! so yall better not freak out but today i found out that i have some sort of venom in my body that can make my foods liquid!!! so ive been having lots of funs with it and making all my food liquids and i finally tried bread

 **spiderbaby:** it doesnt really taste good like this tho it kinda taste a little bit like chemcials

 **irondad:** do i want to know how you know what chemicals taste like?

 **spiderbaby:** not really

 **irondad:** i feel like i will find out eventually

 **birduncle:** so you can make a n y t h i n g liquids???

 **spiderbaby:** i mean from what ive tried so far yea??

 **birduncle:** baddass 


	23. okay so question,,,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony and nat are really tired of clint's and peter's bullshit, they're like four year olds but older

**[spiderbaby is now online] (5:03 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** i have a hypothetical question

 **spiderbaby:** im asking for a friend so yall cant get mad at me

 **spiderbaby:** so im hypothetically saying is how would yall react if i got a tattoo

 **spiderbaby:**  now just remember that this is hypothetical

 **spiderbaby:** so you cant be mad at me cause this is totally hypothetical

 **spiderbaby:** so before you say anything you have to promise me that you wont get mad at me

 **irondad:** but

 **spiderbaby:** P R O M I S E

 **birduncle:** i promise!!

 **spiderbaby:** clint im glad that youre a real g

 **birduncle:** thank you and youre welcome

 **irondad:** did you get a tattoo peter

 **spiderbaby:**  this question is totally hypothetical

 **spidermomma:** Peter,

 **spidermomma:** Did you get a tattoo

 **spiderbaby:** n, no

 **irondad:** why did you hesitate

 **spiderbaby:** its nat and she used proper grammer

 **spidermomma:** Did you get a tattoo

 **spiderbaby:** no!!!

 **spiderbaby:** i promise!!!

 **spiderbaby:**  this question is totally hypothetical!!!

 **irondad:** for some reason i do not trust you

 **spiderbaby:** why dont you trust me :(((

 **spiderbaby:** im very trusting :(((

 **spidermomma:** while you are trusting, you are also very stupid

 **irondad:** last time you wanted me to trust you you almost died because you told me 'trust me im not hurt!'

 **spiderbaby:** now ill admit that was not a high point in my life of lows

 **birduncle:** stop being dramatic bitch

 **spiderbaby:** youre a meanie

 **irondad:** so no i can not trust you peter

 **spiderbaby:** :(

 **birduncle:** do you want to go get a tattoo???

 **birduncle:** im an avenger, they cant say no to me!

 **spiderbaby:** i would love too!!

 **spidermomma:** Peter,

 **irondad:** Peter,

 **spiderbaby:** butttt im someone who follows the law so i can not

 **birduncle:** but youre a vigilante

 **spiderbaby:** w, we dont talk about it

 **irondad:** why did you bring this, even if it hypothetical?

 **spiderbaby:** so, my friend said that if he payed me money i would have to get an uwu tattoo on my hip

 **birduncle:** you agreed didnt you?

 **spiderbaby:** hell yea!!!

 **spiderbaby:** so my friends and i started to look through tattoo ideas cause they all seemed really cool 

 **spiderbaby:** so sis wants a shit ton of tattoos!!!

 **spiderbaby:** even the one with a penis and a broken penis behind it that says jesus is gay

 **birduncle:** show

 **spiderbaby:** aight ill send them over pms

 **birduncle:** PETER YOU H A V E TO GET THIS

 **birduncle:** I WILL PAY YOU ACTUAL MONEY FOR YOU TO GET THIS

 **irondad:** i have not seen this and i do not want to but i know that peter you are not allowed to get that tattoo

 **spiderbaby:** MR. STARK P L E A S E ITS SUCH A COOL TATTOO THO!!!!

 **spidermomma:** please show me 

 **spidermomma:** Peter you can not get that tattoo and Clint stop patronizing the boy.

 **spiderbaby:** yes ma'am

 **birduncle:** yes ma'am

 **spiderbaby:** fuck im so tempted to get a tattoo now :(((

 **spiderbaby:** they all look so pretty please fam im begging yall

 **spiderbaby:** KSFKSKFJ MJ JUST SHOWED ME ANOTHER DICK ONE IM CRING

 **birduncle:** PLEASE SEND IT

 **spiderbaby:** KSFJSKFJ OKAy

 **birduncle:** KSDFJSKFJ ILL GET THIS ONE IF YOU GET THE JESUS IS GAY

 **spidermomma:** No

 **birduncle:** PLEASE NAT THiS IS SO IMPORTANT TO US

 **spiderbaby:** WHAT IF WE FOUND A COOL DICK TATTOO FOR YOU TO???

 **spiderbaby:** THEN THE FAM CAN BE DICKED TOGETHER!!!

 **irondad:** i would like you to think before you message us peter

 **spiderbaby:** if i did that i would never message yall

 **irondad:** maybe that would be a good thing

 **spiderbaby:** >:0

 **spiderbaby:** mr stark you are a bitch

 **irondad:** takes one to know one kiddo

 **spiderbaby:** i cant believe you would do me like this

 **spiderbaby:**  matt wouldnt treat me like this >:(

 **spiderbaby:** i feel like i should just move in with him

 **spiderbaby:** ill message him rn with thousands of uwus cause he hates me when i do that

 **birduncle:** why does he hate you???

 **spiderbaby:** he uses text to speech and i spam him lots of uwus so it takes him a hot minute to go through just that until he gets to the other messages

 **irondad:** why the fuck do you do that

 **spiderbaby:** it seems right at the time

 **spidermomma:** and how often do you do this?

 **spiderbaby:** ,,,,e,everyday

 **spidermomma:** god peter

 **spiderbaby:** i just gotta show that mans that he deserves all my uwus even if he punches me sometimes for it

 **birduncle:** yea i would punch you too if you sent me a lot of uwus and i used text to speech

 **spiderbaby:** tbh i would too

 **birduncle:** PETER I FOUND ANOTHER DICK TATTOO

 **spiderbaby:** KFKSKFJSKF SHWO IT TO ME

 **spiderbaby:** SKFSKFKJD MR STARK THIS ONE CAN BE YOURS!!!

 **irondad:** i would rather not have pepper kill me

 **spiderbaby:** PLEASE MR STARK IT LOOKS SO COOL

 **irondad:** i cant believe that im allowing you to do this but explain what it is

 **birduncle:** A BUTTERFLY MADE OUT OF DICKS

 **irondad:** why did i even ask

 **spiderbaby:** THERES A LOT WORSE ONES MR STARK

 **spiderbaby:** LIKE WE COULD MAKE ONE OF YOUR FINGERS INTO DICK

 **birduncle:** NOW WE GOTTA FIND ONE FOR NAT!!!

 **spidermomma:** If you do I'm legally allowed to kill you

 **spiderbaby:** FINALLY!

 **spidermomma:** wait no

 **spiderbaby:** im gonna look for one cause youll never kill me sadly

 **spidermomma:** maim probably 

 **irondad:** do not harm a hair on peters head

 **spiderbaby:** :(((

 **spiderbaby:** ew people are getting their eyeliner/eyebrows/lip liner A N D freckles tattooed into their skin

 **spiderbaby:** like i know it takes a shit ton of time for you to do your makeup but tattooing it isnt worth it

 **irondad:** question

 **spiderbaby:** yes?? uwu???

 **irondad:** why do you know it takes a long time to put makeup on??

 **spiderbaby:** oh!!! sometimes mj puts makeup on me when we get bored and ive lived with may for a while to know that getting the equal eyebrows and symmetrical eyeliner takes a lot of will power and time

 **irondad:** aight valid

 **spiderbaby:** uwu

 **spiderbaby:** FOUND ONE

 **birduncle:** SKFKSFK YES PETER

 **spidermomma:** No.

 **spiderbaby:** :(((

 **spiderbaby:** idk why yall are ruining our fun :(((

 **irondad:** 'fun'

 **spiderbaby:** IT IS FUn

 **birduncle:** PETER LETS FIND MORE DICK TATTOOS FOR THE OTHERS

 **spiderbaby:** KFKSFKSDFK  Y E S

 **irondad:** ill have FRIDAY watch what you two are doing

 **spiderbaby:** is it possible to tattoo an AI?

 **irondad:** please do not put a dick tattoo on FRIDAY

 **spiderbaby:** :(((

 **birduncle:** what a fuddy duddy :((((


	24. peter has an odd pain scale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mr stark really needs a drink but w o n t cause hes going on strong uwu

**[spiderbaby is now online] (5:30 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** o,okay so d,dont be mad at me,,,

**birduncle:** my anger is already boiling

**spiderbaby:** I SAID DONT GET MAD AT ME

**irondad:** will i earn grey hairs once you finish speaking??

**spiderbaby:** ,,, quite possibly?

**irondad:** there was hesitation so ill have a head full of white

**spiderbaby:** that can be debated ig??

**chocolatechip:** What happened Peter?

**spiderbaby:** oh hello bucky!!!

**spiderbaby:** i havent talked to you in a while!!!

**chocolatechip:** You talked To Me this Morning.

**spiderbaby:** mayhaps but i like talking to youwu

**irondad:** CAN WE GET BACK TO THE FACT OF HOW PETER DOESNT WANT US TO GET MAD

**spiderbaby:** oh right!!!

**spiderbaby:** so you cant get mad!

**birduncle:** like i said before my rage is burning

**spiderbaby:** >:(

**birduncle:** blease tell us!!! im practically vibrating with anticipation 

**chocolatechip:** Wow What a Big word Clint, im Proud of You

**birduncle:** shut your fuck you stupid whore

**irondad:** CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE FACT THAT PETER DOESNT WANT US TO GET MAD

**irondad:** I HAVE ANXIETY AND I DONT LIKE WAITING WHEN SOMETHING WRONG COULD HAPPEN

**spiderbaby:** sorry mr stark!!! ill tell you now if you promise not to get mad

**irondad:** FSKFSK F IN E

**irondad:** I PROMISE

**spiderbaby:** okay!!

**spiderbaby:** okay so after school i may or may not have been mugged while on my home from practice and i may or may not have been stabbed in the process

**spiderbaby:** but this is a may or may not situation

**chocolatechip:** Peter did You Actually Get stabbed

**spiderbaby:** m, mayhaps

**irondad:** PETER WAS THIS AS SPIDERMAN OR AS YOU

**spiderbaby:** it was as me

**irondad:** WHY DIDNT YOU TAKE SOMEONES PHONE

**spiderbaby:** SPIDERMAN DOESNT STEAL

**irondad:** YOURE NOT IN THE SUIT THO

**spiderbaby:** PETER DOESNT STEAL EITHER

**irondad:** JFC

**irondad:** CLINT COULD YOU PLEASE PICK UP THIS IDITO

**spiderbaby:** >:O

**birduncle:** lmao sure, beter send me your location

**spiderbaby:** hgghgngnn fine

**birduncle:** ill be there in a few moments

**spiderbaby:** please follow the laws of the road

**birduncle:** i will not 

**spiderbaby:** bitch

**birduncle:** thats me!

**[spiderbaby and birduncle are now offline] (6:00 pm)**

**irondad:** i am this close to putting that kid in a bubble so that he cant hurt himself again

**chocolatechip:** Hell still Find A way to Hurt himself And You know that

**chocolatechip:** And I know Youre going to Say that you Hate the way that I type but you Better get over it Bitch

**irondad:** no

**[irondad and birduncle are now offline] (6:10 pm)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (3:45 am)**

**spiderbaby:** MR STARK THIS IS A FUCKING EMERGANCY

**spiderbaby:** HOLY SHIT IM IN TEARS I THINK IM ACTUALLY CRYING 

**spiderbaby:** I CAN FEEL MY BONE HURTING

**spiderbaby:** KAREN ACTIVATE FUCKING BONE HURTING JUICE 

**spiderbaby:** I CANT FUCKING B E L I E VE THAT GOD WOULD DO THIS TO ME

**[irondad is now online] (3:56 am)**

**irondad:** gjksjfs wahts ginong on

**spiderbaby:** IVE BEEN FUCKING ATTACKED I NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL

**irondad:** HWALT

**spiderbaby:** MY FUCKING SCOTERKSFKJSKFj

**irondad:** PETER?????

**spiderbaby:** Hey Tony, it's MJ, Peter's friend and one of their possible s/os.

**irondad:** hold on when did this happen and what do you mean one???

**spiderbaby:** You can yell at Peter later.

**irondad:** i plan to

**irondad:** but is peter okay??

**spiderbaby:** Yea he's fine? I mean, he's currently laying in the street clutching his ankle because his Razorblade scooter hit it cause he was turning to fast.

**irondad:** are you fucking kidding me

**irondad:** i have multiple questions

**spiderbaby:** I could possibly have multiple answers for your questions.

**irondad:** 1) why is his texting me this when he just hits his ankle with his fucking scooter

**spiderbaby:** Because he's fucking dramatic but you already knew that.

**irondad:** true 2), why are you two up at three am

**spiderbaby:** Technically it's the three of us

**irondad:** F i n e! why are you t h r e e up at three am

**spiderbaby:** Date night or at least until Peter mans up to actually ask us out despite me already saying that I like them

**irondad:** god hes dense

**spiderbaby:** Yea he is.

**irondad:** 3) why are you in the middle of the road once again 3am when there are usually a shit ton of cars.

**spiderbaby:** We're currently at Ned's house who actually has a house so his streets are pretty quite around this time

**irondad:** 4) you actually allowed peter to do this 

**spiderbaby:** I mean yeah? I mean, Peter had a shit ton of energy and wouldn't/couldn't sit long enough to get tired so Ned and I just decided to let him get his energy out.

**irondad:** that seems smart

**spiderbaby:** I know.

**spiderbaby:** Oh Ned's saying that he fell asleep.

**irondad:** you let him stay laying on the road?

**spiderbaby:** Listen, he was half asleep when he bonked his ankle and Peter is a light sleeper when he's in the weird state of being half awake and half asleep. 

**spiderbaby:** So Ned and I are going to go carry Peter inside and hope he sleeps the entire night.

**irondad:** good luck mj

**spiderbaby:** Thanks, he sleeps pretty well with Ned and I

**irondad:** ;))))

**spiderbaby:** Perish.

**spiderbaby:** I would like to say that Peter who is almost asleep says 'good night Mr. Stark' when he heard that I was talking to you.

**irondad:** tell him to go to sleep

**spiderbaby:** On it.

**spiderbaby:** Goodnight Tony

**irondad:** goodnight mj and tell peter to start calling me mr stark

**spiderbaby:** Peter has said this millions of times that he will not.

**irondad:** damn it was worth a try :///

**[spiderbaby and irondad are now offline] (4:23 am)**


	25. g o o s e

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter makes a new friend both human and not human!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i finally got around to adding carol to this story wuwu but like she doesnt show up in the texting, only mentioned :(((

**[spiderbaby is now online] (3:34 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** can i add a new friend here???

 **Lobster:** Is this friend trustworthy?

 **spiderbaby:** i mean,,,, she has a cat named goose and that seems pretty trustworthy to me

 **irondad:** kid please do not let anyone in the groupchat

 **irondad:** E S P E C I A L L Y when their cat is named goose

 **spiderbaby:** well its a little too late if you dont want me to hang our with her cause weve just been chilling at a pet friendly cafe

 **birduncle:** please set the stage for me my child

 **spiderbaby:** of course uncle

 **spiderbaby:** so i met her walking sandwich and toast around cause bonding(tm) and out of the corner of my eye i see a flash of orange and im like 'oh worm???' so i walk towards the flash of orange and its a cat!!!!! who is infact very cuddlely so i pick her up and she just chills on my shoulders as im walking around

 **spiderbaby:** she doesnt have a collar so i might as well just walk around with her on my shoulders until i find her owner and if i dont i might as well bring her to the pound to see if shes chipped.

 **spiderbaby:** so im walking around and from behind me i hear the most powerful yell practically screaming 'G O O S E' and the cat who i assume is now goose is now alert and this woman who is a little taller than me

 **spiderbaby:** so she walks up to me when she sees goose on my shoulders and she says 'oh! you found goose' and i just say 'goose???' she nods and im practically vibrating cause shes so pretty like she could punch me and i would thank her. 

 **spiderbaby:** a n y w a y, she sees toast and sandwich and shes also goes !!! and then i !!!! cause i get excited too and i ask her very shyly if she wants to go get coffee with me and she agrees so we walk to where we are and then you know the rest

 **spidermomma:** so you follow someone who doesnt even know your name and you dont even know h e r name

 **spiderbaby:** oh fuck i forgot to ask her name!!! god im such a dumbass!!! im deleting myself!!!

 **chocolatechip:** Just ask Her Now

 **spiderbaby:** god bucky youre the embodiment of poetic cinema

 **chocolatechip:** Thank you I guess?

 **spiderbaby:** her name is carol!!!! she apparently knows mr. fury

 **irondad:** WAIT WHAt

 **Lobster:** Ask her for her last name Peter.

 **spiderbaby:** ???? alright????

 **spiderbaby:** its danvers apparently

 **birduncle:** ARE YOU FUCKIGN KIDDING ME????????/

 **spiderbaby:** i, i m confused,,,

 **spidermomma:** peter you just found captain marvel

 **irondad:** I CAN NOT FUCKING BELIEVE THAT PETER HAS FOUND CAPTAIN MARVEl

 **irondad:** WHERE WAS SHE DURING THE OTHER ALIEN ATTACKS

 **Lobster:** Tony you must remember that Carol will only come when it's most important.

 **irondad:** I KNOW IM JUST REALLY SALTY ABOUT IT

 **spiderbaby:** oh worm??? who is she???

 **chocolatechip:** From what Steve Has told Me, Shes a very Important person that Practically saved our Entire World from an Alien race

 **spiderbaby:** oh thats pretty badass ig

 **spiderbaby:** she could still gladly punch me and id still thank her holy fuck shes so pretty

 **irondad:** dont you have a girlfriend and boyfriend?

 **spidermomma:** WH AT

 **birdcuncle:** PETER HAS A WHAT

 **spiderbaby:** KDFKSFKJ MR STARK YOU WERENT SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM YET 

 **irondad:** oh well

 **spiderbaby:** PLEASE DONT OH WELL ME

 **birduncle:** HOW LONG AGO DID THIS HAPPEN??

 **spiderbaby:** A COUPLE DAYS BUT SHE FIRST TOLD US (MOSTLY ME) THAT SHE LOVED US A FEW DAYS AGO BUT APPARENTLY IM TOO DENSE TO FIGURE OUT THAT SHE CONFESSED TO US

 **birduncle:** GOD YOURE A FUCKING MESS

 **birduncle:** WHO ASKED OUT WHO

 **spiderbaby:** APPARENTLY I DID BUT I DONT REMEMBER THAT HAPPENING?????

 **irondad:** mj told me about it

 **birduncle:** YOU GOT TEA TONy???

 **Lobster:** Please don't embarrass the child

 **irondad:** the goddamn child embarrassed himself the night it happened

 **spiderbaby:** LISTEN I WAS HALF ASLEEP 

 **spiderbaby:** AND THANK YOU MR. CAPTAIN STEVE RODGERS SIR YES SIR FOR BEING ON MY SIDE

 **Lobster:** Never mind, please do embarrass the child

 **spiderbaby:** >:O

 **irondad:** so allow me to set the stage

 **irondad:** its about three am and peter messages me saying that he needs a hospital and im freaking out cause when peter messages me at 3 am about how he needs a hospital dont really mean good things.

 **irondad:** so im asking peter what the fuck is going on and peter starts to tell me what happened but supposedly mj (peters girlfriend) tackles him so im unable to read the message

 **irondad:** so fucking confused i ask her what happened and all she fucking tells me is that he hit his ankle on his god damn scooter

 **birduncle:** alright, thats pretty valid

 **spiderbaby:** THANK YOU

 **spidermomma:** its still a dumbass thing to complain about

 **spiderbaby:** i cant believe my own spidermom would do this to me

 **spiderbaby:** clint youre my new mother

 **birduncle:** HELL YEA I LOVE BEING MOM

 **spidermomma:** wait no-

 **spiderbaby:** sorry nat :/// you forced my hand

 **chocolatechip:** Please continue Your story Tony

 **irondad:** fine,,,

 **irondad:** so mj tells me a few things that peter was doing like why they were out at three fucking am in the middle of the street and why they just left peter there while he laid there.

 **irondad:** anyway, peter eventually falls asleep so they just picked him up and apparently he told them as he was carried.

 **irondad:** peter also will not stop calling me mr stark and im about to combust

 **spiderbaby:** i can stop calling you mr stark mr stark!

 **spiderbaby:** i promise ill start right now!!!

 **irondad:** are you finally going to start calling me tony??

 **spiderbaby:** lmao absolutely not dr stark

 **irondad:** thats even worse

 **spiderbaby:** sorry dr stark

 **irondad:** i will pay you to shut up

 **birduncle:** and you wont pay me to shut up? 

 **birduncle:** honestly im hurt 

 **irondad:** nats the one that usually shuts you up

 **spidermomma:** pay me then

 **spiderbaby:** how much are you willing to pay me

 **irondad:** $30,000 dollars a day

 **birduncle:** 30,000 dollars dollar

 **spiderbaby:** thats like t w i c e the dollars

 **irondad:** wait no-

 **spiderbaby:** allow me to consult to my team

 **chocolatechip:** Who the Fuck is Your Team

 **spiderbaby:** well, we got my datemates but mostly mj cause shes like 97% of my impulse

 **Lobster:** What's the other 3%?

 **spiderbaby:** i mean,,, one percent is ned but he usually lets me do dumb things and usually joins in 

 **spiderbaby:** nat is kinda like mj but i dont see her that often so she doesnt know a lot of shit ive done ;)))

 **spiderbaby:** and i guess carol??

 **chocolatechip:** Carol is Already Part of Your impulse Control?

 **spiderbaby:** i, i mean,,,, she told me i wasnt allowed to eat the peppermint stick that came with my drink cause she somehow knew that i was allergic to peppermint??

 **spiderbaby:** so i guess shes more of a guiding hand,,,

 **Lobster:** So is Tony not one of your impulse controls?

 **spiderbaby:** l m a o

 **spiderbaby:** mj wants me to tell you that youre a dumb bitch 

 **spiderbaby:** dr stark being my impulse control??? he could tell me not to breath and i still would cause damn hes a boob

 **irondad:** first of all,

 **irondad:** rude

 **irondad:** second of all what does you team say

 **spiderbaby:** originally mj said no but after i told her what i was planning she said yes

 **spiderbaby:** so ill take the offer!!!

 **birduncle:** what were/are you planning????

 **spiderbaby:** so!!! im gonna pay off my college tuition when i get it, along with neds and mjs and i guess put it off to the side so i can buy a house with them??

 **spiderbaby:** idk i just know that college tuitions are a lot(tm) and were all poor but mostly me

 **spiderbaby:** also!!! im gonna help my aunt with a lot of bills, especially with her student loans!!!!

 **spidermomma:** youre so soft peter

 **spiderbaby:** OH FUCK MAY MADE SPAGETTI!!!!!!!!

 **spiderbaby:** BYE NERDS IMMA GO EAT SOME PA STA!!!

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (6:34 pm)**

**[spiderbaby is now online] (12:01 am)**

**spiderbaby:** FUCK I NEVER DID ADD CAROL DID I????//

**[irondad is now online] (12:04 am)**

**irondad:** GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP 


	26. a lesbian arrives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> carol arrives!!!! and i lov
> 
> also, the fam is gonna meet peter's s/os soon!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i havent written for this in a while, i just couldnt find any motivation to write a new chapter that and i had no ideas for what to do? writing in general on this account got hard for me. with that being said, if any of yall have any ideas for future chapters or things youd like to see (angst or not) please comment them cause im a starving artist/thot
> 
> also ive seen endgame yesterday!!! i cried a shit ton tbh but dont worry, there will be no spoilers in this cause im not an asshole uwu

**[spiderbaby is now online] (4:34 pm)**

**[spiderbaby added captain_lesbian to 20-die-teen]**

**spiderbaby:** everyboy meet ms carol!!!! 

**spiderbaby:** but im pretty sure that you already know who she is because of how yall yelled at me for finding her a few days ago

**spiderbaby:** sorry for not adding you sooner ms. carol!!!! i had a project due yesterday and it made me stressy stress

**captain_lesbian:** It's quite alright Peter, I don't remember much from school but I remember it's stressful.

**spiderbaby:** you can just say it was fucking hell ms. carol its okay we all say that fuck work in here

**irondad:** and i wish one of us didnt

**irondad:** its peter, i wish youd stop saying fuck

**spiderbaby:** as much as i love to dr stark i really just cant stop myself

**spiderbaby:** i feel horrible when i swear on patrol :((( but i manage to stop myself in front of the spawns of the sinners who done the woo who

**spiderbaby:** did the frick snakc sink snakc

**spiderbaby:** if your were wondering what the snack is in the frick snakc sink sankc

**spiderbaby:** its me

**spiderbaby:** im the the snakc

**captain_lesbian:** Thank you for telling me how you feel about yourself Peter,

**spiderbaby:** im trying to have more confidence about myself!!!! 

**spiderbaby:** its 20biteen and im learning to turn my anxiety into confindence!!!

**spidermomma:** i would appreciate it if you would never call sex 'the frick snack snick snack' or the 'woo who' ever again

**birduncle:** personally i love that

**birduncle:** so peter, keep going on sweaty youre doing great

**captain_lesbian:** Peter, quick question, why do you call Tony Dr. Stark?

**spiderbaby:** he doesnt like it when i call him mr stark so i decided that owo ill just call him dr stark cause every so often when someone pisses him off for calling him stark or tony he reminds them that lmao he has phds

**spiderbaby:** and tbh i can not stress this enough, bde

**captain_lesbian:** Bde?

**spiderbaby:** afksfkjsjfk i keep forgetting that youre not from this meme generation but uhh bde means big dick energy which ms carol you have

**captain_lesbian:** Thank you I think?

**spiderbaby:** youre welcome uwuuwu

**Lobster:** Hello Carol,

**captain_lesbian:** I have no clue who you are.

**irondad:** why am i not surprised youve been in space for how long

**captain_lesbian:** Since the 90's, I don't remember the exact year though.

**spiderbaby:** god thats so badass

**spiderbaby:** idk if i mentioned this before fam but like,,, ms carol you really are giving me lesbian vibes

**captain_lesbian:** Was it my name?

**spiderbaby:** nah but what you wore when we first met

**captain_lesbian:** That's fair.

**chocolatechip:** This question comes At A very late Time but Why the Absolute fuck do you Swear so much Kid?

**chocolatechip:** Wait Fuck

**spiderbaby:** well ya'all the the reason for swearing

**spiderbaby:** but the place i live has a lot of yelling so your boi hears a lot of things ;))

**birduncle:** i dont like what youre implying peter

**spiderbaby:** uwu lots of drugs and sex

**spiderbaby:** just like the 80s!!!

**birduncle:** you forgot rock and roll

**spiderbaby:** F U CK 

**Lobster:** Is it possible for Peter not to swear for 24 hours?

**spiderbaby:** youre asking a lot of me man

**irondad:** too much of a pussy to try???

**spiderbaby:** have   y o o u tried to not swear for 24 hours?

**spidermomma:** hes tried but barely got past the first hour

**captain_lesbian:** Ha

**birduncle:** why did that fucking ha scare me

**spiderbaby:** ms carol this is very important to me but i lov 

**captain_lesbian:** I suppose that I love you do Peter.

**spiderbaby:** :DDDDDDDDD

**spiderbaby:** im so glad that S O M E O N E loves me and not like S O M E O N E who A T E my P I Z Z A R O L L S

**spidermomma:** who the fuck are you coming for child

**spiderbaby:** only the real G would know

**birduncle:** STOP GIVING ME THOSE PUPPY DOG EYES I SAID THAT I WAS SORRY

**irondad:** are you really in the same room

**birduncle:** NO BUT PETER JUST SENT ME A PICTURE OF HIS PUPPY DOG EYES

**spiderbaby:** NO SORRY WILL BRING THEM BACK

**spidermomma:** please send over the picture, i am a starving mother

**spiderbaby:** false you are not my mom anymore you lost those rights

**spiderbaby:** clint is my mother

**spidermomma:** fine i am a starving father, clint please be a good mother and send them over

**birduncle:** theyretoostrong.jpg

**spidermomma:** F u kc

**spiderbaby:** owo watch your language

**spidermomma:** i am allowed to swear im an adult and i need to validate you

**spiderbaby:** >:(

**irondad:** god can you not be so god damn adorable for one fucking second

**spiderbaby:** i do not try it just happens

**spiderbaby:** mj asks that question a lot too

**captain_lesbian:** Am I allowed to validate you Peter.

**spiderbaby:** depends,,,,

**spiderbaby:** are you gonna be dramatic like everyone else 

**captain_lesbian:** Of course I am, this is the first time I've seen you like this, of course I'm going to be dramatic.

**spiderbaby:** from what ive heard youre really calm and all but this is not it  >:(

**captain_lesbian:** That's pretty tragic.

**spiderbaby:** im gonna go now!!! mj, ned and i are going to go see a movie ironically cause holy cow it looks so bad

**birduncle:** what movie is it?? what time is it at even??

**spiderbaby:** its at 7:30 so theyre coming to pick me up around 6:20 so we could have some time to get snacks and watch the trailers for other movies

**spiderbaby:** i dont remember the name of it but apparently its based off a 1D fanfic from wattpad??? and god, youre all fools to think that we wont make fun of it

**spiderbaby:** one scene from the trailer is 'harry' who isnt named harry cause of copyright(?) is literally grinding a book against the main characters no no square so hgngngnn this is like a fifty shades of grey thing so hgngng

**Lobster:** Peter, this movie sounds like you're too young to go see it.

**spiderbaby:** oh i am, im horrified that i might see some people with cucumbers

**spiderbaby:** i just wanna go on a date with my s/os and watch a really bad movie

**chocolatechip:** Don't you have To Be like 18 to Watch those Kind of movies?

**spiderbaby:** yea what about it?

**irondad:** PETER YOURE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT MOVIE THEN JFC

**irondad:** HOW DID THEY LET YOU BUY TICKETS FOR IT

**spiderbaby:** oh they didnt its surprisingly easy to sneak into this movie theater

**spiderbaby:** THERYRE HERE!!!! TIME TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND BUY A LOT OF JUNK FOOD!!! 

**spiderbaby:** LETS HOPE THEY BROUGHT THE BIG BLANKET THAT WE ALL FIT UNDER

**spiderbaby:** if yall wanna watch our adventures in the store and by adventures i mean ned and i acting like children and mj wishing that she wasnt the mom friend just watch my snapchat uwu

**captain_lesbian:** From what I can remember, I thought they didn't allow carry ins into the theater?

**spiderbaby:** youre absolutely right ms carol!!! but all three of us are too poor for the snacks at the theater plus we (I) like the thrill of sneaking stuff in my extremely baggy hoodies

**irondad:** peter you know that i could just give you money to buy popcorn

**spiderbaby:** but that isnt as fun :((( i like going to stores with friends/my s/os they make it fun!!!

**birduncle:** youre so fucking wholesome peter ily

**spiderbaby:** ily2 

**birduncle:** when you finish the movie tell me your thoughts 

**spiderbaby:** ill try if im not traumatized

**spiderbaby:** weve arrived safely at the store, time to make some noise!!!!! but quiet noise cause i dont wanna be mean to the people who are working :(((

**chocolatechip:** so Soft

**spiderbaby:** >:(

**irondad:** you should add them to the gc so that we can meet them

**spiderbaby:** only if you promise not to embarrass me

**spidermomma:** you embarrass yourself though

**spiderbaby:** >:( youre all meanies

**[spiderbaby is now offline] (6:30 pm)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i lowkey wanna write peters snapchat at the store so if yall would like to see that just tell me cause i might make another 'book' with different scenes (in person) from previous/future chapters. if you wanna see a certain one just tell me! please leave the chapter and what the scene is exactly so i know what i should do!


	27. barbie movies slap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the avengers fam meet peters s/os

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry the snapchat story is taking so long, im just so horrible at writing actually stories and not just texting ive also lost the majority of it so i just lost the motivation to write it for this time being.  
> dont worry tho!!! i will be getting back to it, i just need to get my bearings with that story and see what i should do with it

**[irondad is now online] (2:03 pm)**

**irondad:** peter add your s/os here and aunt hottie to while youre at it

**spiderbaby:** i will not(tm)

**spiderbaby:** and please stop calling her that

**irondad:** reason

**spiderbaby:** you always embarrass me and i dont wanna embarrassed by yall

**spiderbaby:** and calling my aunt that makes me feel g r o s s shes my a u n t

**spidermomma:** you embarrass yourself all the time 

**spiderbaby:** give me one (1) reason

**bird#2:** you breathe and thats kind of embarrassing

**spiderbaby:** stop being a bitch

**chocolatechip:**  Ive watched You Once walk On the Ceiling And proceed to Fall off cause You ran Right into The Door

**Roady:** I've seen you kick multiple ice cubes under the fridge

**Lobster:** I've seen you stand on the counter and attempt to stand upside down at 4 am.

**spidermomma:** youve laid on the ground for five hours folding your homework into paper stars

**birduncle:** you cried because you saw a bird hit the window

**bird#2:** how come you dont cry when i hit windows

**spiderbaby:** because youre a big meanie

**spiderbaby:** and you cried too clint so dont act like a stone cold bitch

**birduncle:** first of all rude

**spiderbaby:**  why did you give me so many examples, i only asked for one jfc

**spiderbaby:** also hello mr rhodey!!!

**Roady:** Hello Peter, it's been a while

**spiderbaby:** may i change your name???

**Roady:** I don't see why not

**[spiderbaby changed Roady's name to bread] (2:14 pm)**

**bread:** May I have a reason

**spiderbaby:** theres a bread company with your name and wowie i really did think of you

**bread:** Why thank you I guess

**[irondad added best_month to 20-die-teen] (2:16 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** mr stark what the fuck

**irondad:** you werent going to so i thought that i should 

**spiderbaby:** how the fuck did you even get her number

**best_month:** please what your language pete

**spiderbaby:** sorry aunt may, as much as i larb you i can not 

**spiderbaby:** i must say the heck words around these animals

**spiderbaby:** also

**[spiderbaby changed best_month's name to best!!!] (2:18 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** i am anger that i could not find a better nick name for you  >:( because you deserve the bestest

**best!!!:** thank you peter, i love it

**spiderbaby:** !!!!

**best!!!:** now could someone please tell me why i was added here?

**spidermomma:** peter has s/os and were all gonna meet them here because peter will never let us meet them in person

**best!!!:** oh ned and mj?? i thought you were dating them long before this peter!

**best!!!:** also hello! im peter's aunt may

**spiderbaby:** i can not beleive

**spiderbaby:** also why did you assume its ned and mj

**best!!!:** i just know things peter

**spiderbaby:** damb

**Lobster:** Peter, you're only stalling just add them. Nothing could go wrong

**spiderbaby:** youre totally wrong

**spiderbaby:** so many things could go wrong

**Lobster:** Peter,

**spiderbaby:** ghgngngng finnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee

**[spiderbaby added hats and mj to 20-die-teen] (2:25 pm)**

**mj:** Why the fuck am I in another groupchat with you Peter, one is already enough.

**spiderbaby:** dont you love me :((((

**mj:** I tolerate you.

**spiderbaby:** !!!! i fucking T  A K E it!

**spiderbaby:** i will take any love that you give me mj

**spiderbaby:** where did ned go???

**mj:** Currently? Freaking out about being in a groupchat with the Avengers.

**spiderbaby:** ha what a nerd

**mj:** Please do not bully our boyfriend like this Peter.

**irondad:** arent you gonna introduce us to your girlfriend peter;)))))

**spiderbaby:** i,,,,,, i hate this,,,,

**spiderbaby:** why did i agree to this 

**birduncle:** come on peter, introduce us ;)))))

**spiderbaby:** i will not tm

**best!!!:** hell mj

**mj:** I'm assuming this is May so hello May!

**spiderbaby:** my heart is s of t

**[spiderbaby changed mj's name to queen!!!!] (2:36 pm)**

**[spiderbaby changed hats's name to king!!!!] (2:36 pm)**

**spiderbaby:** the queen and king after my heart

**bird#2:** disgusting

**spiderbaby:** die

**best!!!:** peter

**spiderbaby:** im sorry but sam is a big ass meanie!!!!!  >:(

**king!!!!:**  Alright im back, im still freaking a lot but ive read everyones messages and i bring you this in retaliation to my name

**[hats changed spiderbaby's name to bambi] (2:44 pm)**

**bambi:** ned i told you that secret with an open heart and i expected you not to tell anyone

**king!!!!:** Damn, it really do be like that

**birduncle:** at peters s/o please spill the tea

**bambi:** if you do this i wont share my noodles

**king!!!!:**  Wait shit

**king!!!!:**  Sorry mr. hawkeye, peter makes bomb ass noodles, i cant miss out on that

**bambi:** thats what i fucking thought

**queen!!!!:** I'll tell them Peter,

**bambi:** yuo better fucking no

**queen!!!!:** What are you going to do about it Peter? You hold no power over me.

**bambi:** false, i have my trump card

**queen!!!!:** You literally do not have a trump card over me.

**queen!!!!:** I stand corrected.

**best!!!:** peter please tell me why i just heard you scream

**bambi:** i may or may not have spilt some boiling water on my foot

**bambi:** and also drink boiling water 

**spidermomma:** peter what the fuck

**bambi:** just testing the noodles 

**king!!!!:** Peter hurry up fam, were putting on the movie soon

**chocolatechip:** What movie Are you Three watching?

**bambi:** fuckking uhh,,,, b bar bie

**bird#2:** HAHHAHAHAHAH 

**birduncle:** which one???

**king!!!!:** I think the pearl princess

**birduncle:** my kid likes them when they were younger

**irondad:** peter do you dead ass have the barbie movie dvds???

**bambi:** nah we found them on youtube 

**bird#2:** damn, i didnt know you were a fucking child jfc

**bambi:** shut the fuck up

**bambi:** barbie movies sla p 

**queen!!!!:** Anyone who has had kids or does have kids can all agree.

**queen!!!!:** Barbie movies just slap.

**Lobster:** I don't know why but I expected MJ to agree that those movies are for younger children.

**queen!!!!:** Hey Dorito-Man, shut your goddamn whore mouth.

**bambi:** Kkfjkafkljkljsdfkjlsfkj IM CYRING

**king!!!!:** Can confirm, peter is crying into his noodles

**irondad:** KDFKSKFJDKSF I CAN NOT FUCKING BELEIVE THIS FKSKFJ

**[irondad changed Lobster's name to Dorito-Man] (3:14 pm)**

**birduncle:** BARBIE MOVIES FUCKING SLAP 

**birduncle:** I CAN NOT BELEIVE THAT YOU S LA A NDERED THE GOOD NAME OF BARBIE MOVIES

**chocolatechip:** Whats so Special about These Barbie movies?

**king!!!!:** Literally e v e r y t hi n g

**king!!!!:** The acting? 19/10

**queen!!!!:** The plot? Shakespeare wish he could.

**bambi:** the character design? a ma zi n g

**birduncle:** honestly, stark wishes he could design as well as they can

**bambi:** were going to leave now so that we can watch barbie the pearl princess in peace, well see yall in a hour to talk about mj and ned

**bambi:** my favorite topics tbh

**bird#2** : this is disgusting, i will *not* be here for that talk

**bambi:** good, never wanted you here any way  >:(

**best!!!:** peter

**bambi:** hgngng

**queen!!!!:** Peter, movie time!!

**bambi:** GOD MJ IS EXCITED AND IT MAKES ME UWU

**king!!!!:** G OD RT

**queen!!!!:** Thank you, you two.

**[bambi, king!!!!, and queen!!!! are now offline] (3:25 pm)**

**bird#2:** i will not be here for the grossness

**irondad:** you do you bitch

**[bird#2 and bread are now offline] (3:26 pm)**

**best!!!:** i should get going now, i have a shift at the hospital.

**best!!!:** stark please dont embarrass my nephew

**irondad:** i shall attempt

**best!!!:** it was lovely to meet you all but i dont think peter would like it if i stayed here so i should leave

**[best!!! has left 20-die-teen] (3:29 pm)**

**[bambi, king!!!!, and queen!!!! are now online] (4:30 pm)**

**bambi:** weve finished our movie and i ate my weight in noodles

**queen!!!!:** That's what you get for making noodles in the the big pot.

**bambi:** you can no deny me my noodles

**bambi:** when saying you loved me you signed up for this

**queen!!!!:** Perhaps.

**spidermomma:** did you put something on those noodles or was it buttered

**king!!!!:** Lmao it was just buttered noodles we were too lazy and craving just plain buttered noodles

**birduncle:** what kind

**king!!!!:** bowtie

**king!!!!:** they only valid type when you got the munchies

**bambi:** i eat them dry and they all hate it

**queen!!!!:** As much as I love you Peter, no one should be eating dry pasta at four am. It makes so much noise.

**bambi:** i have no control over my mouth

**birduncle:** ;))))

**irondad:** can we p pl ea se not talk about peters mouth and can we plea se talk about their relationship so that i can embarrass him

**bambi:** ghghngngng fine

**spidermomma:** so, why is peter named bambi 

**bambi:** N O 

**queen!!!!:** There's two reasons, one, Peter has big bambi eyes but you all probably knew that.

**irondad:**  it is painfully obvious that he has bambi eyes

**queen!!!!:** Reason number two, Peter always, without fail, cries during Bambi.

**bambi:** i dont recall telling you that secret

**queen!!!!:** You didn't, Ned did.

**bambi:** ned, i told you that secret with so much hope for you to keep that secret

**king!!!!:** Shed find out eventually peter, we watch bambi all the time

**bambi:** >:(

**birduncle:** so, how did yall meet

**birduncle:** i am very intrigued

**king!!!!:** Peter and i met in 2nd grade and we bonded over star wars

**queen!!!!:** Like nerds.

**bambi:** hey! you refused to be our friend until the whole homecoming thing

**king!!!!:** Ah yes,,,, good times,,,

**queen!!!!:** Those were not good times, we may have not been dating at the time but I was still the unwilling mom friend. You both, mostly Peter, gave me so many grey hairs.

**spidermomma:** he has that effect on people

**irondad:** as someone who has been around peter for a while, i can confirm, i feel like i lost so many years off my life

**king!!!!:** I have and always will remain unscathed from peters dumbassery

**queen!!!!:** That's because you're also a dumbass.

**queen!!!!:** Dumbass^2 some might call it.

**bambi:** you still love us though wuwuwu

**queen!!!!:** Once again, perhaps.

**spidermomma:** so who asked out who first

**bambi:** i feel like i said this already but uhhh mj did cause im dense as fuck and do not know when someone flirts/likes me 

**bambi:** its a major problem with me

**king!!!!:** We havent been dating for a while so theres not a lot to tell yall

**king!!!!:** Peters also now typing with his eyes closed and lowkey swaying so the boy is tired

**bambi:** shshhshsh shito up

**king!!!!:** Wow, i cant believe my boyfriend swore at me

**queen!!!!:** Ned you're also typing with your eyes closed. 

**queen!!!!:** God, this is why they call me the mom friend. 

**queen!!!!:** But good night everyone, I got to put two children to bed.

**irondad:** good night despite it being at 5 pm

**queen!!!!:** We're all highschoolers, we're bound to be tired.

**irondad:** fair enough

**queen!!!!:** I'm also kicking Ned and I out because I for one don't want to be spammed 24/7.

**birduncle:** aight bye, nice meeting you two

**queen!!!!:** You too Clint.

**[bambi is now offline] (5:02 pm)**

**[king!!!! and queen!!!! left 20-die-teen] (5:03 pm)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might by my longest chapter and i love this one


	28. happy birthday mr stark!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its tony edward starks 49th birthday and god damn i love him so fucking much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone say happy birthday in the comments or you are a god damn coward
> 
> someone also asked if i could put everyones gc name! and i can!!! im also just going to add the one that i write the most of but if you have any confusion of those i did not add just ask!!!
> 
> irondad - tony stark  
> dorito-man - steve  
> birduncle - clint  
> spidermomma - natasha  
> bambi - peter  
> chocolatechip - bucky

**[bambi is now online] (12:01 am)**

**[bambi changed the chat name to tony_day!]**

**bambi:** on this very fucking day, mr stark, dr stark, stark, tony what ever you call him (unless its mean then frick you) was born!!!! he turns another year old today and god!!!! were so luck to have him here, like w o w , 48 years??? thats honestly so w a  ck!

 **bambi:** mr stark youve done so much for everyone in this world and honestly, i dont know what wed do without you!!! like,,, back in 2012??? youre so selfless and i honestly aspire to be you!!! even if you dont want me to be you :((. not even the world youve helped, youve helped people!!!!

 **bambi:**  like me for example!!! before i met you i was getting into a shit ton of pain which we do not have time to unpackage because today is not about me, its only about mr stark and if anyone makes it about themselves i will be forced to seppuku you uwu. A N Y W AY, i didnt have a suit as well as this one that i have right now or well i did have a suit but i refuse to give you the satisfaction of using your words of describing my older suit but then you came around and just gave me a new suit!!! suire i had to do some things to actually get it you feel me???

 **bambi:** sure you and i have had some,,, rough patches with what happened with the ferry and the shit after the vulture but i know that you were just scared for me and my safety (i totally forgive you and everything, i was never mad in the first place uwu) and how you know you dont really wanna be like your father but honestly, im saying it once and probably multiple times from now but F U CK howard stark!!!!

 **bambi:** absolute bitch man and he makes me angey  >:( just htat man had no right to just make you insecure about you being a person!!!! 

 **bambi:** but you, mr stark, you!!!! youre so much better than him , i know that youre scared about being like him but youre really not!!!! youre so full of love and youre ready to do anything for someone!!! and like i said, youre so selfless, i swear that you need to be a little selfish at times but that makes me sound like a hypocrite cause youre always telling me that i also need to be a little selfish

 **bambi:** and i oop-

 **bambi:** i kinda made this about me so time to seppuku myself uwu

 **bambi:** god, ive only been writing this for a couple of minutes and im already in tears, i jsut lveo ouy so mche mr strka

 **bambi:** ogod tere rae tares on my kyebaord 

 **bambi:** aynway!!!! my tears are dried and i am ready to l o v e mr stark!!!! 

 **bambi:** im not rich at all which is a big l for me but like,,, i really hope that you dont care and just like this present cause i want you to have the best day of your life!!! or at least one of them!!!! cause i am v determined to make your life the best!!!!

 **bambi:** oh shit its getting late!!! ill see you tomorrow mr stark and do not be shocked if i just h u g you and never let go uwu

 **bambi:** god i am tempted to just walk into your room and just hug you but youre sleeping and you need your sleep so i will not because but just so you know youre getting a big birthday hug when you wake up

**[bambi is now offline] (12:45 am)**

**[bambi is now online] (1:00 am]**

**bambi:** i forgot to say how much i love mr stark!!!! 

 **bambi:** its like a lot!!!

 **bambi:** like, theres no numbers that could tell you how much i love you and i dont think words can either

 **bambi:** but my mama always told me that actions speak louder than words but thats my problem!!!

 **bambi:** idk how to show you how much i love you cause i dont wanna seem clingy :((( which ohonestly, i will take the l and be clinging with you cause uwuw

 **bambi:** also i made this cause i feel like everyone will like to see this 

 **bambi:** boogiewoogiewoogie.mp3

 **bambi:** god i miss vine :(((

 **bambi:** alright im going to bed now!!!!! love yall and moststly you mr stark but like, no homo you know also like,,, pedophilia is g r o s s 

**[bambi is now offline] (1:34 am)**

**[bambi is now online] (1:56 am)**

**bambi:** i lied, because i am back and i have found a number that shows how much ily

 **bambi:** ily3000

 **bambi:** mj says i have to go to bed so i feel like i must but ily mr stark uwuw  <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

 **bambi:** wowie thats a lot of threes

 **bambi:** OKAY NOW IM GOING TO BED!

**[bambi is now offline] (2:13 am)**

**[birduncle, spidermomma, dorito-man, and chocolatechip is now online] (9:32 am)**

**spidermomma:** happy birthday stark, i now feel bad because i can not write as much as peter could but thats fine hes youre favorite anyway

 **birduncle:** thats because peter is tonys son too!!!

 **birduncle:** because its your birthday i will not be such a big asshole and not make a big ass prank

 **birduncle:** notice the fact that i will still be an asshole and still do pranks 

 **dorito-man:** Happy birthday Tony.

 **chocolatechip:** Happy Birthday tony

**[irondad is now online] (9:40 am)**

**irondad:** for my birthday can i have barnes not type like the way that he does???

 **chocolatechip:** No you Can Not

 **irondad:** damn,,, it was worth a try

 **dorito-man:** I just read through Peter's messages and did the kid really go to bed that late?

 **irondad:** yea???? hes practically my son, being an insomniac is in the stark blood

 **birduncle:** O h ???? 

 **birduncle:** youre finally admitting to that peter is your son???

 **spidermomma:** of course tony is admitting to it, hes like one step away from adopting him 

 **chocolatechip:** Where is The bug Anway?

 **irondad:** hes with me currently

 **dorito-man:** You're not making him sleep longer?

 **irondad:** nah, the kid was already awake when i woke up, he said that he had a surprise for me and was too excited to sleep

 **spidermomma:** where are you two anyways???

 **irondad:** eating doughnuts currently

 **birduncle:** why didnt you two invite me to his doughnut eating thing

 **irondad:** father and son bonding so fuck off youre the uncle

 **birduncle:** last time i checked i was mom

 **irondad:** youre user says other wise 

 **birduncle:** another thing, please send any photos of peter that you have from this outing

 **irondad:** give me one reason

 **birduncle:** im starving and so is nat

 **spidermomma:** please dont bring me into this 

 **spidermomma:** but for once clint is right, i do want some photos of peter 

 **spidermomma:** please and thank

 **irondad:** only because you said please and thank you

 **irondad:** image_593.png

 **irondad:** image_592.png

 **irondad:** image_593.png

 **birduncle:** a babey

 **spidermomma:** thank you

 **irondad:** youre welcome

 **irondad:** hes now giving me the death glare cause he asked what i was doing and i said showing you two pictures of you

 **birduncle:** hes the embodiment of  >:( but you know,,, cuter

 **irondad:** i read that message to him and his glare got deeper

 **birduncle:** damn it be like that sometimes

 **irondad:** well im going to leave now and spend time with peter

 **irondad:** one of my favorite way to spend my time

 **chocolatechip:** That and Be a Bitch

 **irondad:** i can not beleive taht you wouldng like that on m y birthday!

 **irondad;** but you are correct

 **chocolatechip:** I know

 **irondad:** well im leaving now to spend my time, please do not set anything on fire

 **irondad:** clint i am looking at you

 **birduncle:** i really dont know what youre talking about 

 **birduncle:** but i give you like none of my promises

 **irondad:** nat please keep clint from setting things on fire

 **spidermomma:** ill try my best i guess

 **irondad:** thank you

**[irondad is now offline] (11:23 am)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres the vine peter remade! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbQFtohYNvk&feature=youtu.be
> 
> this is also much shorter than usual or compared to the other chapter but i wanted this to get out on tonys birthday even if the the date on here says the 30th (i always 'post' it a day early)


	29. they bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sam and peter bond while the other avengers (and them ig) are in a meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually d e s p i s e this chapter holy shit,,,, i can not write so blease,,,,, send me better ideas for chapters

**[bird#2 is now online] (2:04 pm)**

**bird#2:** yo what the fuck

**[bambi is now online] (2:05 pm)**

**bambi:** what?

 **bird#2:** did you just tech dech on my hand???

 **bird#2:** in the middle of a very important meeting???

 **bambi:** yea sorry

 **bird#2:** where did you even get that tech dech???

 **bambi:** my pocket/???

 **bambi:** do you want one too??

 **bird#2:** how many do you have???

 **bambi:** uhhhh except the one i have out right now maybe like six????

 **bird#2:** why do you have so many???

 **bambi:** never know how bored youd be in these meetings

 **bambi:** so you want one??

 **bird#2:** hand me two

 **bird#2:** i want to throw one at barnes

 **bambi:** no thats mean!!!!  >:(((

 **bambi:** tech dechs are ment for cool tricks and not to be thrown at people

 **bird#2:** you act like i care

 **bambi:** and you should  >:((((

 **bambi:** sdfghjkl press this 

 **bird#2:** ???? aight

 **bird#2:** WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST MAKE ME PRESS???

 **bambi:** MY NUT BUTTON

 **bird#2:** IM SORrY WAHT

 **bambi:** MY N U T BUTTON

 **bambi:** JUST LOOK DOWN ON MY LAP, ITS BRIGHT BLUE AND IT SAYS NUT 

 **bird#2:** WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING???

 **bambi:** IF IT GETS TENSE OR REALLY SILENT YOU CAN JUST N U T

 **bambi:** WAIT I DIDNT WANT IT TO SOUND LIKE THAT

 **bird#2:** WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THIS????

 **bambi:** I HAD IT IN THE OTHER POCKET OF MY HOODIE 

 **bambi:** BUT I GOT IT OFF OF AMAZON ON MR STARKS CARD

 **bird#2:** HOW MANY DID YOU BUY

 **bambi:** LIKE 10

 **bird#2:** DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER ONE ON YOU

 **bambi:** OF COURSE I DO

 **bird#2:** PLEASE GIVE ME ONE WE NEED TO PRESS THEM AT THE SAME TIME 

 **bambi:** OH FUCK YEA

 **bird#2:** 1

 **bird#2:** 2

 **bird#2:** 3

 **bird#2:** NOW!

**[irondad is now online] (2:23 pm)**

**irondad:** what the F U CK was that

 **bambi:** n u t

**[bambi changed bird#2's name to n_u_t]**

**n_u_t:** n u t 

 **irondad:** this is why we dont allow peter in meetings

 **irondad:** you do this

 **irondad:** what the fuck did you just throw at me 

 **bambi:** get tech dech'd bitch

 **bambi:** theres more where that came from 

 **n_u_t:** i thought tech dechs are only ment for cool tricks and not to be thrown at people peter

 **bambi:** i dont recall that

 **irondad:** im gonna log off and actually listen to the meeting and i better not see you two fucking around

 **n_u_t:** we all know that youre just going to playing games on your phone

 **irondad:** touche

 **bambi:** hahaha toochie

**[irondad is now offline] (2:30 pm)**

**n_u_t:** hey dumbass

 **bambi:** what do you want???

 **n_u_t:** oh thank god i thought that i was gonna be along

 **bambi:** at least he didn't make us move to different seats

 **n_u_t:** like that would work

 **n_u_t:** we may be dumbasses but were not pussies

 **bambi:** HELL YEA!!!!!

 **n_u_t:** anyway do you have any food??? im fucking starving and i doubt that this meeting is gonna end soon

 **bambi:** meetings suck ass 

 **bambi:** but yea i have cereal 

 **n_u_t:** what kind???

 **bambi:** cheerios

 **bambi:** makes your heart healthy cause my heart is severely damaged

 **n_u_t:** i only asked if you had food i didnt want you to be emo

 **n_u_t:** could i have some tho?????

 **bambi:** yea lemme just get the bag out 

 **n_u_t:** why do you have so many things in your hoodie???

 **n_u_t:** how many things do you have in there even????

 **bambi:** just the essentials

 **n_u_t:** so youre saying tech dechs, nut buttons and cheerios are the essentials???

 **bambi:** ye

 **bambi:** i also have a harmonica and sunglasses which are also essentials

 **n_u_t:** jfc, why do you have those last two things???

 **bambi:** cocumber.png

 **bambi:** w a i t shit wrong phot

 **n_u_t:** what the FU KC is TH AT

 **bambi:** I DONT REMEMBER TAKING THIS OR DOING THIS AT A L L 

 **n_u_t:** WHAT THE FUCK 

 **n_u_t:** WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO FIND

 **bambi:** THIS 

 **bambi:** cooldude.png

 **n_u_t:** interesting, got anymore harmonicas and sunglasses?

 **bambi:** yea, here

 **n_u_t:** badass

 **bambi:**  ill leave the cheerios here cause we gotta be hshshhs 

 **n_u_t:** do you wanna throw them at people???

 **bambi:** ye im getting bored

 **n_u_t:** first victim???

 **bambi:** mr rogers!!!!

 **n_u_t:** ah yes, the bastard himself

 **bambi:** nasty stinky man

**[Dorito-Man is now offline] (2:56 pm)**

**Dorito-Man:** What are you two doing?

 **bambi:** ,,,,n,,,,othing,,,,,

 **Dorito-Man:** Then why am I being pelted with Cheerios?

 **bambi:** idk what youre talking about 

 **Dorito-Man:** Peter,

 **bambi:** whos that

 **bambi:** stop giving me the disappointed glare you stinky 

 **Dorito-Man:** I'll speak to you later Sam, Tony will probably speak to you about your behavior after the meeting, Peter.

 **bambi:** oh no im shaking in my boots

 **n_u_t:** fuck you captain bastard

 **bambi:** dfghjkfskfj captain stinky is turning red

**[Dorito-Man is now offline] (3:03 pm)**

**n_u_t:** we are so screwed after the meeting

 **bambi:** might as well finish the cheerios before were killed

 **bambi:** ay yo has anyone else noticed that mr rogers is dummy thck

 **n_u_t:** oh thank god im not a lone

 **n_u_t:** but youre also far too young to be looking at 100 year old mans ass

 **bambi:** >:(

 **n_u_t:** peter put your feet down before nat kills us!!!

 **bambi:** she loves me too much too kill me

 **bambi:** plus that means ill finally be free from this world

 **n_u_t:** did you have to put on your sunglasses for that????

 **n_u_t:** youre wearing your mask so you dont even need them

 **bambi:** it adds to the effect dumbass and if i had a cigarette it would add more

 **n_u_t:** >:( perhaps youre also too young to smoke (which no one should do)

 **n_u_t:** PETER WHA THT EFUCK WHY DID YOU DO THAT

 **bambi:** I HAVE NO IMPULSE CONTROL EHRE SAM

 **bambi:** THERES NO GOD IN THESE MEETINGS

 **n_u_t:** DUDE YOURE FUCKINSG SCEWED

 **bambi:** I KNOW

 **bambi:** TELL MY SOS THAT I LOVE ThEM CAUSE I WILL NOT BE SURVINGIN THIS LECTURE

**[irondad is now online] (3:45 pm)**

**irondad:** PETER FUCKING PARKER

 **bambi:** IM SORYR SWDFGHJK

 **n_u_t:** lmao rip

**[Dorito-Man is now online] (3:49 pm)**

**Dorito-Man:** Sam Wilson,

 **n_u_t:** o fuck me

**Author's Note:**

> Consider leaving a kudos, a comment, and an idea for the next chapter!


End file.
